I Almost Gave Up

3. Hermosa

"You've been in your room all day. Come out a little." My mother whines.

"I'm good, mum." For some reason, she won't just get it.

"It's Saturday. Go out and do something like a normal teenager." That's where she gets it wrong. Obviously, I'm not normal.

Normal teenagers, well, most of them, don't feel like dying all the time.

"Mum. Please." I practically beg her. She glares at me and walks away.

I get up from my bed and slam the door. There was no need to slam the door, but whatever.

I pick up the novel I was reading, wear my headphones, and listen to music while reading like I normally do.

I've felt my mood drain since Monday, and I know I'm getting to my depressed state again.

Usually, I'm depressed for almost a week, and then it leaves for a while.

I won't lie. It's frustrating. It's even depressing. It makes me sad, and I feel hopeless because I can't even control my own emotions.

Ughhhh

I turn my focus to the novel again. I've read the same line a zillion times now, and I still don't know what it says.

I close my eyes shut, trying to control myself. "Please just listen to me." I beg myself.

Nope. Doesn't work.

I shut the book and pull out my phone. I scroll on Pinterest and then head over to wattpad.

Maybe reading with my phone would be better.

Twenty minutes into the new novel I just downloaded, Saving Everest, and I completely give up.

I shove my phone away and walk to the bathroom. I splash my face with water multiple times like the water could wash this sadness away.

I stare at my face in the mirror. I'm not beautiful. I'm just a zero. I can't do anything right. I can't even control my own emotions.

I didn't know when I started crying till I had to wipe the tears away.

I walk into the shower, turn it on, and allow the cold water to run down my body while I cry.

I let all the sobs out, considering that the sound of the water will hide my sobs.

I sit on the floor and cry all the emotions away.

Eventually, I start getting cold. I turn the shower off and walk out of it.

I strip myself of my clothes and wrap myself with a towel.

In my bedroom, I pick out leggings and a big hoodie. I slide it on and sit in front of my dressing table.

I stare at myself again, and as usual, I'm not satisfied with what I see.

I'm not satisfied with myself.

I apply lip balm to my lips and return to my bed again.

There's a knock on my door. "Hermosa? Won't you at least eat?"

"I'm not hungry." I lie down, my face directly to the pillow. She walks away without saying anything else.

One day, she'll realise I am not worth it. That day, she'll walk away.

Like every other person, she'll realise there's nothing here and leave.

They all will.

I turn the light switch off, use my duvet all the way to my head, and just lay there crying for what seems like an eternity.

.....................

By the time I wake up, it's already dark outside. I must have fallen asleep.

I stand to my feet and go to pee. I leave my room. I'm hungry, but I don't have the willpower to eat anymore.

Settling for water in the kitchen, I walk back to my room with slow and lifeless steps.

Once again, I look at my reflection. I really should stop doing that.

I look for my phone. When I find it, I lay on my bed and decide to give wattpad another chance.

This time, my mind is calm enough to actually allow me to read.

I spend hours reading wattpad. When I start feeling sleepy, it's already 3 am. I plug in my phone to charge.

In the bathroom, I brush my teeth and pee again. I get under my covers and try sleeping.

For someone who was sleepy a while ago, I couldn't sleep all of a sudden.

I hate myself. I hate my body. It just doesn't cooperate. I hate my life.

I close my eyes, finally being able to sleep.

If only this could be my last sleep.

****

If there's anyone out there who feels like he/she is not enough, I want you to know that there's nothing wrong with you. You will always be more than enough. And I'm utterly in love with you......❤️

Don't give up on yourself:)

****