Ever After

Chapter 20

Dedicated to @MillyMariel because her comment last chapter made me not want to do this... (but I did it anyway because I'm a heartless jerk) 

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When you lose someone, it doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t hit home. It feels like your life is some sort of terrible movie. You go so many years having that person with you, taking them for granted and believing it would be a long time before they left you, and the next minute they’re ripped from your life completely. And because it’s life and life is unfair, you never even get a chance to say goodbye. Even if you do, there’s no way to truly say goodbye. After all, how do you just say goodbye to a person knowing that you’d have to live the rest of your life without them? What could you possibly say to sum up everything you’ve been through, how much you love them?

Josh woke up. I didn’t think I’d have to say goodbye, so I didn’t. I had the chance, but I didn’t take it. Why? Because we live in a world where everyone likes to hope for the best. It’s a waste of time, really, hoping for the best. If you just hope for the worst, you’ll always appreciate how it actually did turn out. You won’t be let down even if bad things happen because it will always be better than you expected. I wish I could’ve been one of those people that only hope for the worst; they’re probably much happier, and all I wanted to be in life was happy. I used to think that this, more than anything in the world, was the one thing that I could control. All I had to do was be happy, which seemed like it was such an easy thing. Yet here I was, the polar opposite of happy without any control over the situation whatsoever.

Scarlett was softly crying next to me. I fidgeted on the pew I was sitting in during the funeral, which was being broadcasted around the world. I didn’t understand why the world needed to see our private events. I didn’t understand how the paparazzi could invade something like this. It wasn’t a wedding, it wasn’t a party. It was a funeral.

It was ridiculous, actually. The fact that anyone thought it was okay for people to film and broadcast this. The fact that people were spending their time watching people mourn over an innocent person that died.

That's when I heard my name being called. I was being called up to the podium in the front of the chapel, where I was asked to "say a few words". I was ambushed with this – why hadn’t anyone told me before now? I would’ve said no! But now I didn’t really have a choice, did I? Not only was everyone here watching me, but also millions of people at home.

I trudged my way to the podium hunched over, which I’d been told throughout my childhood was impolite. I started to speak into the microphone, my voice cracking, “I didn’t know I would be speaking.”

I itched my forehead, at a loss for words. What was I supposed to say? How amazing of a person Josh was? Everyone knew that he was amazing. Was I expected to go on about how he didn’t deserve to die? Everyone knew that he didn’t deserve to die. Was I supposed to tell them about my memories with him?

“You know,” I say, “it’s funny. Once someone is gone, you don’t remember any of your memories with them. People always think that it’s impossible to imagine how you’ll survive without them, but I can’t remember what it was like when Josh was still alive.”

My voice started to become shaky as it became increasingly harder to hold back tears.

“Everyone who ever even talked to Josh knew he was a good person. Out of all people, he deserved this the least. But I guess,” my voice strained. Tears were welling up in my eyes, but I hated crying in front of people. I wouldn’t let myself cry. I’d get this over with without any tears. “There’s a reason for everything. Everything that happens has a purpose, so we’re probably supposed to believe that something good is going to come out of this, right? But you know what? Nothing good is going to come out of it. This is the worst possible thing to happen and there’s not a single positive way to look at it, so don’t even try. Excuse me.”

I bit down on my lip, doing whatever it would take to hold in tears as I stormed right out of that place. The place where everyone tried to make me feel better but failed every time. The place where everyone pitied that young girl that lost her young brother. I hated pity. I didn’t need it and I didn’t want it.

I heard Louis calling my name, telling me to slow down, and following me.

I ran even faster, my tears freely falling now. I did not want to talk about Josh to people. I did not want people to try and comfort me and to try to tell me that it was going to be okay. Absolutely nothing was going to be okay. Nobody’s words could make me feel better.

I sprinted downhill, which obviously ended in disaster. I tripped right over my feet and tumbled down the rest of the grass. I gave no effort to getting up and just sat there on the ground, crying. It didn’t take long for Louis to arrive by my side, asking if I got hurt falling down the hill. I told him no, even though I bumped my head several times and felt a headache coming on.

Instead of trying to soothe me with talking, he just wrapped his arms around my quivering body. That was it. In that gesture, enough words were exchanged. I tried calming my breathing but it didn’t work. My head was against his chest and I could hear his heart beat. I started crying even harder. Louis was living and breathing. Josh wasn’t.

He stroked my hair, “Shh, babe. I’m right here. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay! Everyone needs to stop saying that it’s okay! He didn’t deserve to die!” I cried.

“I know he didn’t. But if bad things don’t happen, how will you ever appreciate the good things?”

“I don’t know. But this didn’t have to happen. Other bad things could happen like dropping an ice cream that you just bought or tripping down a flight of stairs in front of a bunch of people. Not someone dying. Especially not Josh.”

And then I heard a camera go off. I jerked up and looked around. Louis heard it too. I spotted him – the paparazzi – behind a nearby tree. In that moment, I just wanted to scream. Not only at the paparazzi for being an asshole but at the entire world for being so damn unfair and cruel.

So that was just what I did. I let out one big scream, which ended up turning into more of a cry. Louis got up and ran over to the paparazzi, who was desperately trying to escape.

Louis tried to catch up to him, but gave up. He yelled after him sternly, “If you ever try to fucking come back here, I’ll kick your sorry ass! Got it?”

He came back to me and apologized profusely. He sat down next to me and enveloped me in a side hug. I wrapped my arms around his torso and snuggled into him, trying to stop my tears from falling.

“You know, Rosie, everyone experiences things that feel like the end of the world, but they never actually are. Life has a way of flipping everything upside down and right back up again. Things can never be bad forever. They have to get better and you have to believe that they will. Giving up is so easy; it’s so easiest thing to do. But you have to stay strong like I know you can. When you were in the hospital, everyone would’ve understood if you fell apart. But you didn’t. You were strong because Josh needed you to be, and Josh needs you to be strong right now, too. He wouldn’t want you to be so upset over him.”

“You don’t know what he wants. He’s dead.”

His voice was shaky, too. His eyes looked watery, as if he was about to cry with me. “You’re right, I don’t. But I know for a fact that nobody would want to see you cry, ever. You’re too strong and too beautiful to let something ruin your life. Don’t let this change who you are. Things are going to look up eventually.”

I squeezed him a little closer. I wanted to believe him, I really did. But I couldn’t.

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This chapter was really hard for me to write, so I would really appreciate if you guys left comments. I really want to know what you thought! Vote if you liked it, but commenting would be even better :)

Thanks for reading! xox