Obsession

Why me?

Why me? Why do I have to be stupid. I've fallen in the worst darkest place possible. My thoughts. I find myself stuck in my head most days, and sometimes it's hard crawling back out. But I guess that's why I'm here, talking to you right now. I have no idea if I'm going to start from the beginning or get right to the point. But to know a little about me, I'm a young twenty three year old single mom from a small town.

Since this is kind of a true story I guess it's better I don't use the real names of everyone as maybe one day all of this could blow up or maybe it won't. I split up from my spouse Adam when my son was just a little one, fresh out of my stomach. The abuse started out small after I slowly recovered from giving birth and eventually it got out of control like any abusive relationship would go. I fought my way through court and that was a lot of hell to pay. Adam was dangerous and evil and he would do anything to hurt me even his own son. I'm so thankful I saved us out of that hellhole.

Not saying I'm in any better situation right now, I still feel very stuck and drug down by my own family, like I've felt my entire life. I've never felt to be the type to succeed so I always seek validation from others consciously or not. In most relationships being a people pleaser has sadly caused me to have poor judgement and my innocence stolen way sooner than expected. Maybe that's where everything went wrong. From all the porn to the older men discovering me in secret online chats and making me do things no young girl should be doing.

I'll call this next man Leo, the first man I ever felt I "loved."
Not sure I still even know what love is but I know the kind of love he offered was to actually groom me into getting his way. I only say groom because Leo was much older than me. Twenty two to be exact. Before you judge me just please understand I was like any other young girl in a failed home. Looking for anyone to love me or to care about me.

The first time I ever saw Leo he had already sunken his claws deep in me. And next thing I know he convinced me to go with him on a ride, except it wasn't a ride at all. I remember being in a secluded area, I had no idea where I was. My heart was beating rapidly but I chose to not show it. Everything kind of blacked out after that, at least it's hard for me to piece everything together. That day my innocence was stolen from me. And I just washed it all down the drain like it never happened. He told me he wanted it and I just accepted it. The fear of something worse crossed my mind if I had struggled.

I was in pain for weeks and suffered in silence. But it was my fault. I told him I loved him and that I would do anything for him. At least that's what I thought. It only made sense to keep seeing him after and that's exactly what happened. I let him break me for years. Just recently he reached out to me after I moved out of state as if he never did anything wrong. When I confronted him he told me to never speak of it again.

So maybe this is where it started. Why I find older man a comfort even after they hurt and use me. Im almost addicted to it. My ex boyfriend recently was over twenty years older than me. But the sex with him was incredible. The only man to ever take me out of my comfort zone and make me feel good in ways I never thought I'd feel.

But whether I like it or not this story isn't about my history.. although I had  to give you the run down of me so I can tell you what's really going on.

We'll call my current obsession Matthew. But he really reminds me of a Damon. Yes like Damon from vampire diaries. At least with the smirk he gives me that's exactly who he reminds me of. He's an older man but his stance shows confidence. He has a lower self esteem because his wife doesn't show him the affection or love he still deeply craves. He's in a not so good marriage and he started his flirtation with me immediately once he started talking to me.

But none of the flirting has me obsessed. It's his deep gaze on me and the way he touched when he whispered in my ear. Or how he grabbed me and yanked me into the aisle and told me to assume my position and in that moment I had the worst anxiety because I was with my now ex at the time. Or maybe I was afraid because I knew it was wrong and I truly had no idea what to expect. He scares me but yet I crave him. How is that possible? I want to feel him in every way a girl can feel a man and I want it to never stop. I want to feel his lips pressed against mine and I want to climb on him and give him the best orgasm he's ever received. I wanna kiss down his body and taste every inch of him and work my way back up and run my fingers through his soft hair and just let him take control over me.

I want him to grab me again and tell me he wants me. I want him to stop fighting with himself and just tell me how he feels. But this is all wrong. None of this can really happen. This is all my wants and wishes and I so wish he wasn't married.  But sadly we cannot always get what we want in this modern world and that comes along with acceptance.

Most days I can accept that I'll never act on any of my desires but yet he shows that he wishes I would. He doesn't make it ever easy for me to co exist around him either. Just being alone around him I know he's watching me.  He's told me he would've killed one of the men I was talking to had he not gotten fired. And I actually still believe he meant that because he carries a lot of jealousy with him around me. I don't know why he acts out when he surrounds himself with women. He's a very attractive man yet he can't stand the thought of other men feeling the same way about me.

I find myself wondering what I could've done to avoid the situation I'm in now, but I guess the only thing to do now is Obsess over the wishes and wants and let myself sink into the desires deep in my mind, it doesn't hurt as long as nothing is physical right? I guess you'll have to stick around to find out.