The Willow Tree

1.

Chapter One

I am on a cliff, the edge so near but the drop so far. One move and I could fall into the dark abyss. My mind is racing at a hundred thoughts at once. For silence, it is incredibly loud. My shadow creeps on me, and I find myself wondering why I am here. I have the perfect life. The perfect family. There are family photos on the walls and always the smell of fresh coffee in the morning. The house is in the beautiful suburbs and the walks are transparent. So I ask myself to risk it all for my own selfish greed?
I stumble into the house with tears running down my chin. My thoughts are one alone. "What is Tanner going to think of this?" As I suspect he is sitting in his lazy boy in the living room, with the lamp on next to him. I gulp for the talk that is waiting to be had.
"Willow, why are you crying?" He asks, so very concerned for my well being. I try to talk, but no words would come out but a little squeak. He stands up only to hold me. I just bust into a sob and he shushes me and tucks my loose strands of hair behind my ears. I feel safe in his arms. Tanner is a sweet guy, he always puts other people's needs above his and we truthfully have never had a blow up. He stays humble and kind and works to provide for me, his wife.
I can remember when we got married, I was so nervous and my mother held my hand. She looked at me with not even an ounce of doubt and said "He, sweetheart, is the love of your life." And that was all I needed to hear. I walked down the aisle in my beautiful white dress and kissed the love of my life.
But after the miscarriage, after trying for so long with little result, the pain never went away. We were so excited when we found out we were having a child. He picked me up with such a smile, oh that smile, and kissed me profusely. I, as well, had a smile so innocent and free. But that was then, and this is now the reality. All I am left with is what was, and I can't seem to find myself.
"Tanner, I am sorry." I apologized as I wiped my tears. The love of my life grasped my cheeks and smiled. I know why he smiled.
"Wils, You are the strongest, most beautiful woman I have ever met. Since day one, I have given you my heart. You are hurt, and I can't make that pain go away I know; however, I can help you. Will you tell me what's wrong baby?" He explains it so perfectly. He had always been so good with words. I take a breath in before I tell him my thoughts that are now so present.
"I didn't know at the time how much it would hurt to lose the baby. I thought I would move on from it so easily, but it's been 6 months. I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her everything is going to be okay. To tuck her in at night and tell her fairytales. I wanted to be there with her first heartbreak. But she's not here and I can't do that. I can't do what I wanted and having another baby is not going to fix this hole in my heart.. I- We gave her the name Rosemary, Tanner." I explained my thoughts and they came out smooth as butter this time. I felt comfort from his embrace. Safe. Home.
"Rosemary." He smiles at her name and I recall the day we found out we were having a girl. We were getting an ultrasound and the Obstetrician told us. Tanner secretly wanted a boy, so he could turn him into a strong man. But when the OB told us, he was different. He smiled so brightly at me as he said "She's going to be a daddy's girl."
"I need to go to therapy, Tanner. I think it would help me to get an outsider's voice on the situation. I am open to medication. Whatever helps me move forward and find my way." I say, and he understands. He caresses my face and kisses my forehead.
"I think that is a wonderful idea Wils." With Tanner, I feel less alone. I always have him to help me pursue my talents. My talent is the expression of art. I have always wanted to be a painter, ever since I was a little girl and I saw a Bob Ross painting video. I wanted to be that confident, easily written painter that lived in a studio apartment in Manhattan, with the city's view in my window. I always expressed my emotions through art. I haven't picked up my paint brushes in six months. Ever since that night, I haven't been the same girl that looked out the window and saw possibility. I am only a fraction of the pieces left and I would like to discover her once more.
"I believe that is a wonderful idea for you. I am glad you want to seek help, you are so incredibly strong. Let's rest tonight and I will make an appointment for tomorrow." He says so flawlessly. His dark brown hair was messy and I could tell he had been waiting for me since I left the house. He looked tired, and overworked.
We walked up the same stairs we walk up every morning and night, but this time it's different. Hopeful for a new chapter. He covers me in the warmth I am so used to, I never get enough of it, and we fall asleep into each other's arms.