platonic | short story

before: eight.

Caden’s POV. - six years earlier

“I have to go.” My voice blurted. I could hardly hear myself. My voice sounded distant into the mostly dark dorm room me and Roan were in.

She sat up on the bed with a slight frown, holding the sheet up to cover her bare chest. I couldn’t look at her. Not after what had just happened. I hastily laced up my shoes as I saw her moving from the corner of my eye, “What?”

“Yeah.” I straightened up, clearing my throat, “I have to go.” I stupidly repeated, “My mum called. She wants to do something with me today, seeing as it’s my birthday.” I lied straight to her face, my cheeks flushing at how stupid it sounded. Roan didn’t say anything, and I knew she very well realized I was lying. She could see right through me just like I could see right through her.

My hand reached for the doorknob and Roan moved again, “Wait!” She called out, getting up from the bed, clumsily wrapping the duvet around her naked body. Her blonde hair was messy, and I could almost feel the strands between my fingers again, memories from earlier so fresh in my brain.

I had touched her hair a billion times before, but nothing was the same. I glanced at her over my shoulder, swallowing thickly. Roan nibbled her lip, panic flashing through her eyes, “Are… are we like… okay?” She softly asked.

No.

“Yeah.” I quickly nodded, “Mhm. I just - uh… I don’t know. I have to go.” I turned around again, feeling suffocated in this dorm room which always used to feel like a home to me. Every bit of comfort was now drained from it and replaced with confusion and worry.

Roan had kissed me. 

Like full on. Not as a joke. She kissed me. With tongue. And then she sat on top of me and took off her shirt and I saw her naked for the first time ever. And my mind had blanked and she kissed me again and she grinded into me and I got hard and lust took over. I wasn’t thinking properly when I agreed on sex. But she was beautiful and warm and Roan was comfort, and she wanted me so badly.

She begged for me. It’s all I had been dreaming of years ago. But those feelings were put on the shelf and I made my peace with it. We’d never be anything more than friends. And now it was messy. Now I had been inside of her and I had felt her and we shared something so vulnerable and everything had changed.

“Y-Your guitar.” She muttered once I was halfway through the door. I stopped on my tracks, my heartbeat hammering so violently. I was sweaty, I was hungover, I was tired and I was anxious. My hands shook as I kept my eyes low and reached for the gift she gave me the night before. Remnants of our plates from which we had eaten cake still sat on her desk. 

The cake Roan went out of her way to make for me. My best friend. Who I now had sex with. I took the guitar and turned around, hurrying down the stairs without another word and leaving Roan behind.

My brain was spinning.

Why did she kiss me. What did this mean? Did Roan have feelings for me too all these years ago? Had it lingered, like it had with me - even if I denied it? I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

It had felt good - of course it had felt good. She was beautiful, she was my best friend. There was no one in the world I loved like I loved Roan. Sex with her was electrifying. I just never thought it would happen. We joked about it, or at least I did. I made little remarks, I flirted around, but nothing more than that.

Usually I flirted and Roan rolled her eyes and told me off. That’s how it always went. Never had she made the move to lean in or kiss me. We had never even playfully kissed.