I was crying inside my room, remembering all the disappoinment and failures. My head isn't in a good condition, I become a mess. Feeling stressed and depressed. I feel the anxiousness eating me up, I can't think straight. Negative thoughts running inside my mind. Any moment, I will give up, my body, my soul, my being.
“I can't take this anymore. No matter how I try to be positive, I end up being negative again. I end up getting weak, kahit anong limot ko, bumabalik pa rin sa isip ko. I realized, that no matter how big my circle of friends is, at the end of the day, I'll be alone. No one knows how much I'm suffering alone. Kahit mga magulang ko, hindi alam. I always think that it will be a burden. Ayaw kong maki dagdag sa problema.”
Tumigil muna ako sa pag-iyak. I am staring at the void. All I can hear is the ticking clock around the four-walled corner. My tears, they're dried up. Still my heart feels heavy. My mind is desperate trying to look for answer kung paano ko ba papatigilin ang nararamdaman ko. I feel like lifeless. No energy and drained.
Suddenly, I was awakened by the phone as it was ringing. It was just beside me so I looked at it, I saw my friend Mary calling me. I gently grabbed my phone and answer the call. Hinintay ko muna siyang mag salita.
“Hello, Jane. Where are you? Look I'm worried about you kasi bigla ka na lang umalis sa school. Are you okay? Gusto mo ba puntahan kita diyan sa inyo?” She said in a worried tone.
“Ahm, I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me, Mary. I am not feeling well kaya umuwi ako at umalis. You don't need to come over. Maaabala lang kita.” Lies. I always tell her na okay ako but deep inside, hindi. May problema din ang tao kaya I don't want to bother her coming here.
“Are you sure? Kinakabahan ako, Jane. Baka ano nanaman ang gawin mo sa sarili. I'm your friend. You can tell me kung may problema ka, huwag mo din sarilinin lahat. Anong silbi ko bilang kaibigan mo if you won't tell me anything.” Nasaktan ako. Hindi ko alam na iniisip niyang wala siyang kuwentang kaibigan. Pero mabuti na din ang hindi sabihin sa kaniya. Gusto kong labanan mag-isa.
“Mary, don't worry about me. I'll be fine soon. I will not do anything as what you have said. Okay? Just calm down. I just want to be alone for now. Can you give me that?”
She sighs in the line. “Okay, okay. Basta ingatan mo ang sarili mo, ha? Kumain ka din ng maayos and don't you ever skip your meal, alright?” Sweet. Mapag-alala talaga siyang kaibigan.
“Hmm. I will. End the call now. There's still have a class, am I right? You take care. I love you.”
“Bye, love you too.” The line ended. There, I cried again. Napaka selfish ko, napaka unfair ko. Toxic.
I am fine in the outside but never inside. I pretended to be strong but it wasn't enough. Ang tagal ko ng natitiis but now, I guess I will blow up. I look around trying to look for something and one thing caught my attention. Sa may nightstand ko, I saw a blade. Kinuha ko ito at naiyak muli ako. Finally.
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