Consumed By My Own Mind.

Tired

March 12th, 2024

I don't believe in true love.

Time and time again, I am demonstrated that the feeling isn't real.

Love is something that takes work.
It takes time,
It isn't rushed.

I know we don't work.
Yet I am holding onto any reason to stay.

The amount of  times tears stained my face or my night was ruined by a simple dry text, is unbearable.

I want the version of you I dream about, that makes me feel loved, special and filled with joy.

Now it feels like I don't even know you.
Like I never truly did.

I am often told I rush too quickly into things,
That I put my all into new relationships.

In all honesty...
I agree.

I love too quick and way TOO hard.

I just want someone to love me the way I love others.

That's why I am holding on so desperately.

So desperately that hold back the way I actually feel.

I hate the way you talk to me.
I hate it when you use my name.
I hate the way you are short with me.
I hate when you cut me off.
I hate that you never see the issue with the way you treat me.
I hate how you talk for me about how "I'm feeling".

I hate how you don't  really know me.

Most importantly,
I hate that I can't let you go.

I just want you to really want me.

Not just physically.

I want you to actually want me.

I want you to call me honey.

I want you to talk to me when you are upset/ mad. Without being passive-aggressive.

I want your "I love you" to actually feel like the words you utter out.

I want us to work.
To talk things through.

But every time you talk to me, your words hurt.
The way I can't express myself freely,  hurts.
The way I base my mood off of yours, hurts.

The way I want this to last, hurts the most.

You were so Great and I still care about you.

But I refuse to have a love like my parents.

Where one day, you will stop saying I love you.
You won't hold my hand or kiss me a hello nor a good-bye.

I know what I want, but I don't know whether or not you can give that to me.

Some of the things you say scares me.

I want to believe they are just jokes.
But part of me thinks..
"What if".
Or it's too late.

I hate that thought.

It's a dangerous thought.
Because 9 times out of 10, I am right.

You tell me you care about me in the coldest way possible.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

When I am upset you spoil or love bomb me.
So now I feel selfish for feeling the way I do.

I wish I could just say tomorrow is a new day.
But the issue will still be there once I wake up.

This is something no amount of sleep can solve. I just need to be honest.

You aren't willing to be the best version of yourself.
While, I am being a version of me that lost its way.

True love does exist.

If it did, I wouldn't be feeling like this.