Re-Start

Chapter 3: Façade

Winter, Year 2019

It hurts.

Two years later it still hurts the same.

It's the kind of pain where you want to rip your chest open and pull your heart out to make it stop beating, stop hurting. But you can't, so you're left with scratching on your chest until your nails leave trails of red across it, and even then the pain inside you prevails over the soreness from the scratches.

It's the kind of pain that leaves you gasping for breath, each intake of oxygen feels like a knife slicing down your throat until you can't tell whether you're crying because it hurts or because you want everything to stop.

It's the kind of pain Wonwoo is feeling in his every dream, inside the nightmare that comes to haunt him without fail every night. The one dream that makes the voices inside him scream to just please, please, let him see Jun for one last time. Just one last time. He wakes up sweating, reaching for a remedy that was Jun, and yet seeing the man's last footage pains him more than the nightmare itself.

It's an addiction he couldn't stop and he stopped trying too long ago. The nights when his fingers reach for his laptop, replaying the video that he had memorized every word and line but still hurt him like the first time. But it's okay because he needs the pain.

He needs the pain to remind him that Jun was once his. One young boy named Jun once existed and filled his days with overwhelming warmth, he smiled a smile that was reserved only for him. The boy has left this world far too early, far too soon, taking a piece of Wonwoo with him as he went.

Two years and Wonwoo still played the video on the nights when sleep wouldn't grace him. When he needs the pain to remind him he survives.

"Wonwoo, don't cry at night... Eat well, go out, and hang out with people more. Will you do that for me?"

"How could I?" Wonwoo's questions left unanswered. The Jun inside the screen smiles and waves goodbye. "How could I, Jun?"

"Don't miss me too much."

"I miss you so bad," he weeps, clinging to the only comfort he has that was the doll Jun had sent him.

If he tries to at least pretend he's okay, will the pain go away? If he fakes a smile will people stop whispering on his back? If he acts like he's okay, will he actually be okay?

Wonwoo will drift to sleep between his sniffles, on the damp pillow that never gets to dry because Wonwoo will pour his tears on it every night. Nights when he couldn't sleep, during his sleep, and when he woke up from sleep. He couldn't recall the last time he didn't cry himself to sleep, he couldn't recall the last time he woke up without his eyes feeling like they were burning.

One particular night when the nightmare decides not to show its presence in front of Wonwoo, he dreams a dream where the world isn't cold and grey, where a field of green lies in front of him, and the sun caresses his face with her warm light, wiping away his tears. It's a familiar view, a place he's fond of back in his hometown, where he shares with many memories with Jun as they grow up together.

And Jun is there, like the old days, waiting for him as he reaches out his hand with a smile that flashes his teeth. Jun is here, breathing, and calling out his name.

Wonwoo doesn't waste a second to take his hands and falls into his embrace.

"I missed you, Wonwoo."

I miss you too, I miss you so bad, I miss you, I miss you.