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Chapter 5

The house was dim by the time Trevan entered. Atlas ran freely as soon as he untied her, but Trevan stood there, constrained by the four walls. He couldn't comprehend anything, moreover, he didn't want to. Nothing made sense and what feared him most was how May would take it. Because knowing her, she would for sure tell their mom and rush him into some clinical hospital.

Not that they cared, but because they were scared.

He needed to find his sister and make things right. But there was also the gnawing feeling that it didn't matter anymore. There was no difference in living at home or in a clinical hospital. His life would still have the same result: death. He tried to entertain the idea of eating, but the first bite of his famous peanut butter and grape sandwich left a bitter feeling in his mouth. He forced himself to swallow it before shoving the rest in the trash as a fair trade.

Then it was time to make sense of what would happen next: whether he should attempt to explain to May what happened in only a lie or let the Universe decide on his fate, just like it had decided on hers. Eventually, his brain got clustered by the amount of thinking he had put it through, so he put on an NFL game in the background and fell asleep to the sounds of presenters promoting shit he would never need.

•••

By the time he had woken up, the house was silent. Someone had turned off the TV and cuddled him up in a blanket. He suspected it was his sister, no one was ever this nice except May. He got up, alarmed suddenly if she had already made plans to send him to a clinical hospital. "May." His fingers started to falter from the staircase after zero responses to the mention of his sister's name. He frantically started for his phone, dialing May's number when the door flew open and May stood there in disbelief.

He let the frigid air run through his body, almost as a reminder that he was still here. He was alive and she wasn't. "May, hey, you forgot your phone..." The voice trailed off as it made eye contact with Trevan and took in his red eyes. "W-what happened?"

"We, uh, had a loss in the family recently." She looked like she had sinned as she forced herself to lock eyes with her partner. But his face had softened and he looked like he was ready to leave.

"Oh... I'm sorry." He looked to Trevan to direct his response, but Trevan had long tuned out, pretending like he had something interesting to attend to. He looked at May then with an awkward expression.

"I think he just needs some alone time. He does appreciate it though." She ushered her partner to the door and from afar Trevan could hear them whispering to each other. He didn't dare think they weren't talking about him. After all, it was pretty obvious what they were talking about.

"Okay, bye, babe." She locked the door ever so swiftly in case her partner tried coming back. Trevan could feel her watching him for a second until she walked to the kitchen without a murmur. He felt lost, like everyone knew something he didn't, and he hated that feeling. He negotiated to confront May while every nerve in him prevented him from hurting himself. Maybe it was better he didn't know, he tried to tell himself.

"Was I that bad that you had to lie?" She stood there silently, not daring to speak, but Trevan knew she had heard him because she had stopped spreading butter on the bread.

"I knew it was better than telling the truth," she admitted in the cold silence.

Trevan guffawed. "Like you know the truth."

"What makes you so sure I don't?" The question challenged Trevan as he grit his teeth in defeat. "I can see more than just a person touching the grass."

"Oh, because you're a therapist?" Trevan mocked.

"No, because I'm a human. With feelings."

"So you expect me to tell you everything now?"

"No." Her comment felt like an echo in Trevan's head like she was trying to be a bigger person in a situation that was so much bigger than that.

"You wouldn't understand, anyway."

"Okay." She went back to spreading butter and Trevan stood there motionless.

"That's it?"

"What?"

"Is that it?"

"You told me I wouldn't understand and you're right. Maybe I wouldn't. I can't feel what you–"

"Okay!" The volume in his voice filled the room with an exasperating feeling until he took notice of his sister. "I-I'm sorry." She didn't reply, leaving the floor to him as he stood there awkwardly. "Where'd you guys go?"

"Nowhere, we were in his car just talking."

"About me?" The nervousness in his voice rang in the room. The last thing he wanted was for May's partner to know about his emotional thoughts.

"No, I had a lot going on in my head. I wouldn't tell Henry about you, you know that." She looked at Trevan with this sense of trust, but he couldn't bring herself to believe her.

"I wish you hadn't seen me like that," he vented.

"I wish I knew sooner."

"W-what do you know?" His question filled the room with tension as she formulated an answer that wouldn't emotionally hurt her brother nevertheless damage the way he had faith in her (if he even did, she had to remind herself).

"You miss her." She tried to put herself in her brother's shoes, to try to imagine the connection he had with their neighbor, but she couldn't think of a single thing that connected them. She didn't understand how her brother could feel so connected with someone he never interacted with.

"I don't know why, but this one time I was driving past her house and it just brought back so many memories. I could see her playing basketball on the driveway except I couldn't. And I could remember when she used to ring our doorbell and ask us if we wanted Girl Scout cookies–" He choked on his words, on the verge of a breakdown, and May reached out to pat him on the back. He sobbed in defeat, letting the tears fall and allowing his sister to see him in his most vulnerable state.

After all, it was in his most vulnerable state he felt comfortable, being in May's arms, even if she couldn't know entirely the way he felt, it was nice knowing she cared enough to be here.

He was so deeply compelled at the moment that he didn't realize that his mother was standing on the staircase watching their intimate moment.

When she locked eyes with him, her expression changed, almost as if it was an insult to see her children consoling each other. May looked in the direction of Trevan's eyes and her face seemed to grow pale.

"Mom," she started.

"What's going on?" Their mother walked down the stairs, glancing at Trevan and then at May for answers.

"We were just—"

"Nothing. We were doing nothing," Trevan interjected May as she looked at him with a shocked expression. Almost as if she was confused as to why he didn't want their mother intervening in their conversation. But she didn't dare confront her brother.

"Now what does that mean? Of course, something happened. Dammit, I just saw it!"

"Doesn't mean you need to know it, Jennifer." His cold voice prickled Jennifer's skin as May leaped into survival instinct.

"Mom, he doesn't know what he's talking about."

"Of course, I know what I'm talking about!"

"I know, I just didn't want her to interpret it the wrong way."

Trevan snorted. "Well, knowing her, she probably already did." He made eye contact ever so quickly with the very person he used to call mommy and shook his head with disgust. For 23 years, Jennifer had never been talked back by her children. Her cheeks grew warm and her feet grew cold as the door slammed shut.

She turned her eyes towards May whose face was blank: she could've never foreshadowed her brother doing something as savage as this and it numbed her to her core.