Dark Maria

Dark Maria 3

"Did you check? Maria said to the divine Sonoma standing beside her."

This was the third time now, and he wasn't answering in any intelligent responses. Should I tell him that he's intelligent? Will he hear me then? She wondered loudly to herself. She was wondering a lot more nowadays, and it hurt harder than she thought to hear the truth.
Should I just call this bullshit off?

Wait, should I watch my language?

I'm past this now, she tried to convince herself, and felt that slow internal gut recoil that means your emotions just poisoned you with worry. She was a strange light she didn't recognise, and she hated it.

Maria liked to think that her escape from Catholic Christianity meant she was angling the bar in her personal crises. She spent so much time escaping herself, doing her life's calling, trying to feed the poor and connect with the elderly, putting a smile on everybody's faces everywhere she went. To her, she was opening doors for herself, trying to live a life of love and respect, and  the universe was going to bless her for it.

Now every time she made another purchase on her path with the time stone in her third mind, she wondered if she was just buying another cross from a new city she was just visiting, expanding her love dimension. She looked again for the Sonomas and found him sitting there, in a tri-spin.
"Damn thing just plays everyday" she said to herself, wondering what to do next.

Back then, she would buy a cross for every Diocese in every city they enter visited, and at the end she's have so many crosses just lying around she packed them in clean boxes and packed them by the side of, but not inside the garbage bins, wondering if it was a sin if the garbage man collected them by mistake.
God would understand if she had to make the compromise between charity and non-materialism and simply choose to wash her hands off capitalism.

Having to leave Catholicism was a bomb to her world, and she didn't expect the amount time and effort she was spending, till all of a sudden, after nearly 25 years of constant meetings, tours, agendas and campaigns - there was simply nowhere to go. She couldn't run back to the old nunnery, or to father Bennetts house for some teatime chat about the dozens of pledges they were reviewing for the new building. All of that was gone for sure. All of a sudden,  all the "friends" she had accrued for many years, none of them existing outside the sphere of influence she created as the divine messenger, catholic sister, friend of the poor etc.

At first she'd tried to go back to the older churches, where the exchanged smiles were somewhat genuine and they had a mutual political understanding (not that any of them would ever agree openly). They would understand, she said, trying to console herself.
Sister Monica listened to her will crafted speech and with a wide clear smile and invited her to confessions. Father Bennett hugged her and convinced her that the church was always open to her whenever she had a change of heart. He'd become unavailable after that, never picking her calls or messages.

Leaving the church was the necessary first step to her sanity, and she tried to give herself some props for doing something so humongous, so impossible.

When she left, she'd nearly died from so much vast emptiness that she filled the time hiking. There she met some gurus that congratulated her on her new found freedom and acceptance of her own self.
After some personal time with them, she discovered that they'd found a niche for themselves. One was a Buddhist priest and spiritual teacher, the other was a Qabbalah monk. They invited her to learn of their practices, making sure to let her know that she was the one in authority, and that it was less like replacing Christianity and more like ascendancy,  climbing higher to her own path.

Now she had four magic stones and sat in meditation three times a day, trying to align her solar plexus chakra with the setting sun for maximum receptivity and surrender.

The divine Sonomas had lights around the edges now, and it seemed she was opening another dimension, inside her imagination. As she looked, watching it change rapidly, she wondered what was more insane, writing missionary letters to schools in intercession, or sitting in meditation talking to a light being she created, which was now sweeping her under the carpet.

She didn't need someone to tell her - the snakes were coming outside again, the ones that constantly stung and cursed every time she gave half her savings to the poor or hosted another mass.

"This is different", she said to herself, suddenly aware that she was distracting herself with all this thinking, and needed to stay focus.
She believed into it, crossing herself and, sorry about it, dropping into tadasena, trying to feel into her energy chakras.

As she lay down, listening to her heart beat, she heard another little toot in a quiet voice she barely recognised as her own.  She quickly unfocused into "love clarity", wishing the voice go away silently.

No point now.

Damn thing, she said to herself, seeing the divine Sonomas momentarily making a shape that looked like the sign of the cross.