Journey Back to me

April 11th 2021

Twenty twenty one if I can remember the day clearly, it still hurts to think about. I remember the day in bits and pieces because if I were to tap back into the details, it would cause me a days worth of a mental block as if I am not here any longer. But I do know if I just put myself back into the chair at the police department, it won't hurt too much to think about. When I remember, I think maybe I really should have kept my mouth shut.
It was April 11th, 2021. i was 22 years old. My Jeep liberty 2005 had already been messing up a lot in the year prior . It was already on its last ride when my battery died it had been a couple days leading up to this one when I had asked my uncle to help take me to the auto zone down the road to charge up my battery or just buy a while new one. Later, I found out that neither would matter. My car was done. A cousin of mine had one of her friends who used to frequent the house throughout the years. They would come over and smoke with my uncle it was always a fun time outside. We'd have music, and my two uncles would start a BBQ outside. My grandma and aunt would get so excited and prep with sodas and tortillas some salsa as well. That day was just like every other fun weekend we'd have. It was cut short when my uncle asked if I wanted to tag along to go drive around. He was my favorite uncle, and i always had a great conversation with him. I remember he would pick me up after school from my theatre rehearsals since my mom worked the hospital overnight shift she never had the chance and so my uncle was assigned the role of after-school pickup. I was so grateful since I had always been a huge theatre nerd. This had brought us closer even though living in the same house for years we'd never been close. We bonded over the liking the same music and just talking about similar interests, and joking around was our thing now.
This night was going how it usually went. It was always a fun time. But this night seemed off. He had already confided in me that he was cheating on my aunt with another woman down the road who worked at a convenience store. I didn't know how to process the information but I kept it a secret. I had thought about how that would hurt My cousin (his daughter) if she found out. So I brushed it off i thought he was probably going througha rough patch and I didn't take it too seriously since his wife (my aunt) was always know to be mean and rude towards others including me always being at the line of fire of her fat jokes which had caused me to develop bad eating habits. She would get mad at me for random things around the house and I had gotten into arguments with her about stupid things. My family really didn't like her but they put up with her. And for that reason I kept it to myself it had just been a couple of weeks of me knowing as well as my grandpa passing away months prior it was a rough year and this situation was escalating quickly. So I had agreed happily to going out gave me some beers before leaving and we drank. He had been getting back into drugs that year ( i think coke) and overly grooming himself more since meeting this new woman. So his behavior was something not that was not his normal behavior. After drinking it was a bit of a blur but we had ended up at a stripes near a police station after going to a bank atm for cash when he had handed over more money and promptly tole me to get one more beer for himself and I. So I agreed. I stumbled out of the car and went into stripes I got his beer and I picked one out as well. I remember falling to the ground on my knees and falling to the side I was a bit in shock since I didn't drink much. I got up and headed to the front to pay. I can't remmber if it was really what the cashier said but she seemed concerned and asked me if I was okay to be drinking more I was embarrassed. Had I really been that out of it. Did I look that drunk. I never wanted to be that person but I accepted it and told her I was fine with a smile and that it was the last I was drinking. She looked at me and said okay. I left and got into his truck telling him I fell he laughed it off and we drive away.
This is when it gets bad. This is when my life feels like I had been derailed from what I had always known.
He takes me to the park, a popular park for walkers and skateboarders. My best friend and I used to frequent there alot at night during our first year of college. It was nice and peaceful yet still filled with handfuls of people wandering around. He pulled into the parking lot he had been rambling and ranting on about how sexually frustrated he was that my aunt wasn't giving him what he wanted anymore. That's why he had been having an affair is what he said to me. He was begging me to reach out to one of my friends to do things with him that the woman he was having an affair with wasn't reaching out to him anymore and another woman he was trying to convince to do things with wasn't responding to him. I started to feel uncomfortable but I'd laugh it off. Whenever a boy did uncomftable things or said inappropriate stuff I'd just smile and laugh along like it didn't bother me. It was the only way I'd know how to keep myself safe so the person didn't feel judged mostly for my safety. Mostly just to ensure a safe way out of the conversation.
He continued to rant and would touch himself, telling me he needed to do something. He then told me he was going to watch videos on the phone to get himself off I began to say no. I warned him not to and told him to stop. He was searching videos and I began to tell him to stop and I was uncomfortable. He looked over and told me he would pay me 20 dollars to sit in the car and watch him play with himself. At this point I didn't know what to do I didn't know if I shoukd call my mom. So I decided to get out of the car I told him I was going to walk around the park and to call me when he was done being weird. I know I should have just left or called someone I don't know what I was thinking. A part of me didn't want to think anything of it. This is the same uncle who had never done anything like this. This is someone who I cared about was doing something so disgusting and making me feel disgusted with him. I decided walking around the park would help me to think of something. He called me and said let's go home. I wanted to go home badly to just go to my room and be with My grandma so I agreed. When I got back into the car he started rambling again about how frustrated he was that he wanted someone. He offered to go to one of my bestfriends house they also both were close. Me and that friend had been close since we worked backstage together he was a good friend of mine and still is. My uncle would give him and his mother meds. He said he wanted to see my friends mother since she was single and I knew why. I agreed to go I dont know why but I think it was because that boy was a very close friend of mine I guess I felt safer and better going to my friends and I truly thought I could sweep this under the rug and keep this with me forever. So we went.
When we got there I felt at ease I went with My best friends sister where she was making crafts on the floor and my friend was at the table with his mom. My uncle made his was over to them and began openly attempting to flirt with her. My best friend caught on and gave me a look. My friends sister gave me conceded looks because he was saying some weird things at that point but I can tell they also were brushing it off they knew him so I guess they felt the same as me and kept quiet and tried to change the subject.
At this point it just got worse and worse as he was attempting to hint at the mom for sexual favors even wanting the little sister who was about 16 or 17 at the time. He than began to confess to everyone and giggle about how he would want to get into the shower with me and fantasize about me. My bestfriends sister than grabbed me by the hand and asked me if I was okay. She had been under the influence as well she looked out of it. I told her I was fine but I felt the panicking catching up to me and a weight on my chest. This happend fast but I remember ordering to go home and apologizing to them.
When I finally got home I remember feeling stupid for not just have going straight home I'd never have heard what he confessed and was it real did he mean it? We were standing outside when he was asking me questions he had said something trying to sound flirty towards me. He than started to laugh and grabbed My butt I told him not to do that to back away he laughed again and slapped my butt this time. I then punched him on his back when he walked in front of me and I remember him vividly saying, "glad we're on the same page."
When we approached the front door it was locked so I decided to climb through the front window. I had done so multiple times my aunt had a rabbit of locking the front door when I'd be out late. I had no key so I ended up finding out the window was unlocked. My aunt then came out from their room she looked upset. I started to laugh. I didn't yet fully process what was going on I was just trying to reach the comfort of my bed. I wanted to be near my grandma. I laughed and pretend nothing was happening my aunt finally opened the door and I went to my room. My grandma was in there I approached her she smiled at me and I told her "my uncle isn't a good person he's not a good person grandma" she looked at me confused and asked me if he had done something. I didn't know what to say do I told her no don't worry and went to my bed. I cried. I didn't want to tell my mom I didn't want anyone to know. So I told one of the 3 friends I had and confided in her. She comforted me and told me I needed to tell my mom even if I was scared of what happened she would know what to do. I didn't take the advice that quickly. I knew how this story continued. If I had reported it if I had spoken up about it no one would care. He didn't do much to me for it to be taken seriously. I knew the damage to me had been done but to everyone else it was nothing. I was mad at myself. How could I not take what just happened seriously why did I always dismiss things that happen to me as not a big deal. I knew it was bad when I couldn't leave my room. I didn't want to get out of bed I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.
The Next day I knew was a safe day my uncle and aunt were heading out of town to see my cousin. They would be gone for 2 days. He came to the room that morning to say goodbye to my grandma and I both. He texted me that "good things were coming soon". I didn't know what he meant and I began to panic. What was he thinking and what was I going to do. I had two options tell my mom or keep it a secret. I knew shit was about to happen when the moment I speak up.
For you to understand hoe scated I was to speak put was because a year prior to my grandfather passing away he and My grandmother made an agreement the house would be under my mom and other uncle who lived there as wells name. That was the agreement. So when my grandfather had a fall accident he broke his ankle and was bed ridden. Close to my grandfather passing my uncle went to him crying the house be under his name that he was the oldest and deserved the house. He was an army veteran there would be no house taxes everyone would live comfortably. And so my grandparents agreed and yes we were shocked and upset at the change made before my mother and other uncle were just about to have the house in their name. It was final the house was his and it was done. My grandpa eventually passed and that's how we lived up until this point.
So you can imagine the thoughts running through my mind. I also had just signed up to get a realtors lisence my classes were starting the next week and I was on my way to doing something with my life. I knew I was going to be kicked out of this place. And If I wasn't kicked out because I lived here My whole life what person would want to stay in the same house as an uncle who touched them inappropriately and fantasized about them. I had no where to go I had a dog with me and I was scared of what was to come. I either kept my mouth shut and live with a creep or I left the house and figure it out.
I called my mom that morning once they had left on their trip. I told her what happened while trying not to break down I told her I didn't want anyone to know I didn't know what to do I didn't want to stay there but I had no where to go.