Sweet Decadence

iii. place of refuge

Chapter III

          "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."  

- Robin P. Williams

                                                                         SIGHING, MAYA WALKED QUIETLY THROUGH THE PARK.   It'd become the place she went to when she needed to get away from the hectic-ness of her life.  Work was even worse than when she was just alone and her apartment was too quiet for her liking; she'd even debated on getting a bird or a cat to fill the emptiness, but she knew she wasn't home enough to take care of either.  She knew she wouldn't go "hang out" with anybody because she'd only been in this town for her first semester of college so far.  She had transferred when her old university became too much for her to handle, deciding it would just be easier to finish her education at a technical college in a smaller town, with less memories and more peace. 

          Before long, she sat down on a bench that over looked the beautiful, flowing water.  The river was calm tonight, a contrast to the craving that was eating away at her inside.  The way the bubbling brook sounded in her ears brought a calm feeling to her nerves and it washed over her worries and cleansed her of everything bad flowing through her mind.  She didn't want to deal with the gnawing hunger for the vicodin . . .  She didn't want to pop another pill.

          It just wasn't worth it, anymore.   

          Maya knew she needed to get out of the apartment and away from the place she always took her drugs because that place just managed to push her further into her depression.  She needed to get away from the place that brought back all the bad memories and the aching feeling in her veins when she walked into her bedroom to open her dresser or into the bathroom to open the medicine cabinet.  She could barely take a shower anymore without looking around the room to see her pill bottles were empty and she had already called to cancel any refills she may want to allow herself to have later on down the road.

          Getting away from that apartment was good for her; getting away from everything that smelled of crushed vicodin would help clear her mind and refresh the reason why she was trying to start a new; getting away would help her remember why she wanted to recover and why she was fighting her inner demons, instead of letting them take over . . . but still, no matter how true all of her other reasons were, she knew she really just needed to get away from herself.

          It was her only chance at getting better . . .  Getting away was the only kind of release she had now because she was sick of letting herself lose to the things in her mind.  They were prominent and forever present . . . but she was determined not to lose, again.

          It wasn't even just about losing or winning the battle; it was about getting herself back.  After the vicodin had made it's bed with her, she'd been lost.  It wasn't that she lost to the drugs; it was that she lost herself in the midst of the addiction.  She had let it take complete control of who she was; she let it change who she was and she needed to get herself back from whatever was stopping her from getting better, because she wanted to get better.  She wanted it more than anything.  

          Leaning forward, Maya placed her elbows on her knees and rested her head in her hands.  She was debating on whether or not she wanted to go to group, tonight.  She didn't know if she could handle all those people in the same room as her right now.  The anxiety would be too much for her and at the moment, she needed to stay as calm as she possibly could to fight her cravings so she didn't go looking for more pills to take. 

          The calm was what kept her here, in this world.  The calm was the only thing depriving her of the bad thoughts and allowing her to sleep the two hours a night she would get.  It cleansed her, so to speak, and it kept her heart beating so her journey wasn't cut short.