Flickering Shadows

Chapter 20

Aziel

Nicholas doesn't look me in the eyes as he thinks. I have a feeling that if our gazes locked, both of us would see emotions that aren't meant to be shared right now.

"I know you think I'm a coward," he begins. "and rightfully so. I left my little brother at a time that he needed me most. I left my family when they needed someone to depend on." He breathes deep before letting out a heavy exhale. "I couldn't be king, Aziel."

"Bullshit," I snap, crossing my arms. "You were just as capable as I was. More so, actually."

He laughs quietly, but there's nothing joyful in it. "That's where you're wrong. When father died, something in me became broken. I don't know how to explain it, and I don't expect you to figure it out, but I couldn't stand in this kingdom without him. It felt darker than normal when he left, and I couldn't stand it, so... I left. I went and hid like the coward I am until Alexander's soldiers found me. Alexander offered me a place to stay for a couple days, and that's all I intended to take, but then I saw Kiana and I... I knew I couldn't just leave her there." His eyes close for a moment before opening, staring at the ground as if it's a lifeline to his words. "I knew the laws about having two royal couples, and so I plotted with Alexander. He was angry about how you left things, riding the high of anger, and I took full advantage of it."

"Wait," I say, holding up a hand as dots connect in my brain. "You were there? That night of the Festival, you were in the Sun kingdom?"

He swallows. "Yes, and I debated long and hard on revealing myself right then and there, but I couldn't. Because I had nothing to guarantee Kiana's safety."

Anger rushes up, but I push it down. "So this whole time, you've been with the Sun kingdom?"

He grimaces. "I couldn't stand the suffocating darkness, Aziel, you have to understand, I-"

"And I could?!" I yell, the anger no longer gracious. "Mother could?! Do you know how depressed she became? She didn't come out of her room for two weeks! I had to watch her shrink more and more every day because of your selfishness! You left your family to deal with what you didn't have the guts to face. You are pathetic."

His breathing shudders, and he nods. "I know."

"That's it?! That's all I get?"

He rubs a hand down his face. "I can't change what I did, Aziel. I can't turn back time or erase days that I wish were different. Nothing matters anymore except going forward. I'm here, right now, and I'm never leaving again. I will be here to do whatever you need me to do. I can't fix what's broken, but I can try to make sure it doesn't break any more."

My molars grind, anger so potent in my blood that it stings as it flows through my veins. "I wasn't made for this. It was supposed to be you."

He finally meets my eyes, and the anger almost washes right out of my system completely. He looks heartbroken, and it cracks something inside me to see the older brother I always looked up to shatter before my eyes.

"And yet fate always knew it would be you," he says softly. "I might have been intended for the throne, but I wasn't made for it. I was never made to rule this kingdom, Aziel. I was never the one who stayed up late watching father sort through political problems. I was never the one who begged to sit in on his meetings. I was never as interested nor confident enough to even consider taking father's place. You are a damn good king, Aziel, and this kingdom wouldn't even be half of what it is today if I was in your place."

"Don't butter me up with flattery," I mutter, but despite my words, my lips are twitching.

He smiles slightly, but then his eyes turn sad, and regret twists his features. "For what it's worth, I am sorry. I never wanted you to hurt because of me."

The sad shift between us feels too taut, like a line both of us are attempting to but not quite crossing. It's ridiculous.

I walk the last couple feet between us and pull him into my arms. "It's worth a whole damn lot."

His entire body relaxes as he sighs in relief, and he reaches up to squeeze me back.

I pull back with a smirk on my face. "I'm definitely taller than you now."

He screws his features up. "You are not."

I make a show of testing with my hand. "Like, at least five feet I think."

He slaps my hand away. "That's not even possible, and besides, I'm still older."

"Oh, by three minutes! Get over it!"

He smiles. "Never."

This is the Nicholas I know. Teasing, loving, and tender. I don't know when or where he found himself, or if maybe Kiana gave it back to him, but I'm glad to have my brother back in front of me.

He has a lot to make up for, and some things will never be the same, but he's here, and he's trying.

I couldn't ask for anything else.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

My mother is sitting at her vanity when I step into her room, and she looks up in surprise.

"Oh, darling! What brings you here? Is your mate alright? I heard she was sick."

Sick. I guess that's a good enough explanation.

I clear my throat. "A lot has happened in the last couple of days, and some things have changed. Actually, a lot has changed, and I need-"

Her hands rush up to cover her mouth as a gasp slips free. "Oh honey! I'm so excited! I know you wanted to wait a little bit longer, but this is going to be great! I promise!"

What is she...?

Oh... ohhh.

"Mom, mom stop," I say, chuckling. "Inara isn't pregnant."

Her face falls, and I'd feel bad except that I'm laughing too much. It feels incredible, and I know exactly who the cause is.

I couldn't let myself be completely happy when I knew someone I loved wasn't in the picture, but now Nicholas is back.

"Oh," she says, straightening. "Excuse my assumptions. What was it you needed?"

I open the door wider, and her eyes become giant plates of surprise as they fill with water.

"Is it-" a sob breaks from her throat. "Is it really you?"

Nicholas closes the distance, hugging her with so much force that I consider intervening so she doesn't suffocate.

"I thought you had- and your father- and then I- oh my baby boy," she sputters, sobbing with fervour now.

"I know," Nicholas murmurs. "I'm so sorry." He pulls back. "I have a lot of explaining to do, but first, you are going to eat something. Deal?"

She smiles. "Deal."

Surprise hits me in the face. I had to beg her for hours just to nibble on something, and here he is, bargaining with no resistance.

Nicholas looks back at me with a small smile. "I've got this. I believe you have a mate in need of your company."

I nod. "Thank you, Nicholas."

The door shuts quietly behind me, and I smile all the way back to my room.

We are never going to be perfect. Nicholas has tons of grovelling to do. I will constantly mess up as a king. Mother may never be as attentive as she once was, but we are here, all together. It's enough. For now, it's enough.