Crown of Sins - Chaelisa

-Chapter Thirty Four-

*Roseanne's POV*

The line rings in my ear. It's a sound I never really thought much about before now. But the trilling is eating me up from the inside out. It's scratching at my eardrums and gnawing on my intestines. I just want the ringing to stop.

But it keeps going. Once, twice, too many times. I know there's nowhere else she's going to be. But still, I hold my breath waiting for an answer on the other end of the phone.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Lisa says the moment she answers the phone on her desk at work. It's menacing, in a way she's never used with me before-even when at her angriest, even in the beginning before...just before.

And despite trying, I can't help but cringe at every edge to her voice. There's loathing and disenchantment, both of which I expected. But also, the hope there, the hope she's trying to hide from me so badly. It stings more than anything else.

I didn't expect this part to be so hard. And I have to steady myself before I can get my lips to part for any sort of reply.

"I hope that someday you're able to forgive me," I say through the bite of tears behind my eyes and the swelling that won't go away in my throat. I say it with my eyes closed so tight it starts to hurt. But I deserve that, I guess. And my free hand wraps around my middle, like I'm trying to keep myself together while I say what I need to.

"Never," she says-no more hope left even though it's only been a few seconds since I first heard it. Somehow that's worse, which I didn't think it could get.

I let out a breath. It almost sounds like a laugh, though only sort of. It's more like a pathetic sigh that's right on the verge of sobbing, which makes perfect sense.

"I hope that someday you'll at least understand why I had to do it then," I say. And I have to hurry to keep going, before she can interrupt me again. "But if you don't I get it. Of course I do. Either way I have to protect my family. No matter what," I add.

She sighs, and I can hear the scrape of his palm across her face. There's a part inside of me that knows she's done speaking. Even if she listens to the rest of what I have to say, and curiosity will make her, she has nothing else for me.
And, that's okay, actually. Maybe that's easier.

"Because you fight for those you love. Always," I say through a ragged breath, my eyes open now and up to the dark sky-both inky and cloudy. "No matter what it does to you, no matter the sacrifices or consequences-you fight for those you love. And you fight until the very last breath you have in you."

Lisa sucks in a huge amount of air, but still she doesn't respond.

"It's better this way anyway. It's not like we could have made it work. Not in the long run anyway. Not like we wanted it to work." The tears clog up the back of my throat for a moment as I utter the last part. But I get it together with a few quick swallows. "You're good. Too good. And I'm not. I never could be. It's just not who I am," I say.

"But-" Lisa tries, surprising me enough to jolt, almost dropping her cell phone.

Though, after the one word she stops, nothing else to add even if he wants to. I know it's going to hurt. I know she's going to hate me after this. But I have to say it. I have to take the time, dig it in enough so that ehe really gets it.

"Someone else, someone like Caleb is perfect for me instead. He grew up just like me. With me. He's the same. He's not good like you, not in the same way anyway. He'd sacrifice anything because he understands me in a way you never could," I say.
And this time I don't try to hide the choking sound, the hiccup of pain in my voice.

"But I still do hope you can understand. If not now, then eventually," I add. And finally, finally, I've said all I knew I had to. With all of it out, the seconds accumulated, I hang up.

My little monologue lasted over a minute. And I ended the call just in time as the tears break free from my lashes and start falling down my face.

She can't hear me stifling my crying. Or trying to at least. Even with the tears, with the shaking in my hands and the fear stuck in my heart, I raise my chin and push my shoulders back. It's now or never; and never isn't an option.

So, after tucking Lisa's phone into my back pocket again, I start walking toward the huge, dark warehouse that may or may not be the last place I walk into.