Reflexions

Enmity

I feel a sense of incompleteness within myself, as if some parts of me have been lost forever. The house I grew up in holds memories that haunt me, and I find solace in visiting them within the realm of dreams. I lingered in the depths of my emotions until they revealed their true nature: sorrow.  When love isn't served on a silver platter, you develop a taste for finding it in unexpected places. There is a part of you that recognizes the injustice and mistreatment you have endured. The intensity of your emotions reflects your recognition of how you should be treated. Anger holds significance. It requires expression, action, and vocalization. When it fails to materialize, it starts to transform into fury.

My trauma didn't make me feel empowered. I became someone who always wanted to please others. I found it incredibly difficult to give up on people. It evoked a strong sense of empathy within me, leading me to consistently feel compelled to shoulder the burdens of others. Before, I had never considered the possibility that those close to me might experience issues that weren't their fault, even if I wasn't the one who had caused them. I seem to always be doing something wrong, as I was created to please those around me who are never satisfied. I am hesitant to express my viewpoint. I willingly confined myself to the expectations, cultural norms, and institutional obligations of others, sacrificing my true self in the process to conform to societal ideals. I felt a sense of disconnection when I became focused on satisfying others. Why do I continue to engage in this behavior? Why am I unable to cease my foolishness? I'm incredibly frustrated with myself; the harder I strive to satisfy others, the more they gain power over me, and I'll ultimately harm myself.

I didn't have any positive influences to look up to while growing up. Instead, I had individuals I wanted to avoid becoming and went through challenging experiences that I never wished to repeat. However, this was sufficient for both myself and my younger self. I'm sorry, I haven't experienced the emotions associated with "I'm proud of you" yet. I apologize; I never had someone to rely on for support. I apologize for the way you felt. I apologize for the lack of affirmation you received. I apologize for not expressing my love for you sooner. I must admit, the person I need to seek forgiveness from the most is myself. I need to prioritize self-love. I find it necessary to grant myself forgiveness on a daily basis. Whenever I recall a shortcoming or a flaw, I remind myself that it's perfectly okay. I find it necessary to constantly forgive myself, to the point where I no longer notice those things, as that is a fundamental aspect of love.

I expect to hurt other people, and when it does, I get a strange validation and then a wave of emotional pain. I assert that love does not exist, and I express this viewpoint as it is simpler than questioning why love eludes me, if it does indeed exist. If love truly exists, then why is it that no one seems to love me? I am intentionally harming myself to prevent others from doing so, and it's a form of control that I find to be extremely detrimental, yet unfortunately, it's the only method I am familiar with.  I'm realizing that no one truly understands who I am. I've shed countless tears in the solitude of my room, hidden from prying eyes. It's hard to quantify the number of times I've felt discouraged or disappointed. I've experienced countless moments where I've come close to reaching my breaking point, yet I managed to hold it together for the sake of those around me. The depths of my sadness conceal the haunting thoughts that plague my mind. I am a complete mystery to everyone. I've experienced a great deal that remains unknown to others.

Obviously, I appear angry constantly. Throughout my entire existence, I have been engaged in an ongoing battle. Nevertheless, I'm not angry. I'm on a quest to discover the path to happiness, and it's quite the battle. Indeed, I'm in the process of acquiring the skill. Alright, without engaging in a dispute. I'm working on developing a better sense of emotional control and finding ways to remain composed even in frustrating situations. I'm learning how to let go without harboring any negative emotions. I've come to realize that I can continue without understanding the reasons behind everything.

I've reached my limit from an ethical standpoint. I'm completely worn out and deeply connected to the spiritual realm. I feel lifeless; outwardly, I wear a smile and everything appears to be in order, but internally, there is a stark contrast. It's challenging. At times, individuals may perceive the outward smile without recognizing the hidden pain beneath. Thoughts swirl endlessly through the night. There are moments when I feel an overwhelming urge to express my true emotions, but unfortunately, I find myself unable to do so.

I'm uncertain if I've made it through; my inner self continues to withdraw, as if seeking protection. It has become difficult to access, even for me. I feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness and exhaustion; my mind and soul feel empty. I'm unable to articulate it, as I believe it wouldn't have any impact. Additionally, it evokes a sense of privacy. I feel like I'm on the verge of a never-ending nervous breakdown. I frequently find myself questioning my own thoughts and actions. However, I desire to become the person I truly want to be.