Eat me, guts and all: Aether x Scaramouche

Whirlwind. Xiao's POV

TW:thoughts of suicide

I'm sick of this and their relationship. It feels like they don't even realize I'm there with them sometimes. I've felt alone many times and Aether has made me feel like I had someone there with me. Now he's too far to reach. I feel like my skin is peeling and I feel too exposed. I'm just as disoriented as he is, I knew these people too. I've seen people be born and I've also seen their death. Aether hasn't and the doll is too out of touch with his emotions to process the fact.
         "This is Mondstat, now what?" The doll says.
         "Follow me," I reply with half the hostility I have with him. Aether is tagging behind and the doll is right beside him.
          They're talking, what are they talking about? They're too far away for me to hear but every whisper breaks my heart. It's cracking in my ribs and I can feel it in my soul. I wish I could vanish forever. Aether makes me feel like I belong here just not with him.
          We arrive in front of the oceanide's quarters. I feel like I'm trespassing but then the monster appears in front of me. It's beautiful, I have to admit. Its ocean blue reflects on me.
         "Hello," I say and it pauses before it does its repetitive attack sequence. It lowers its beautiful translucent head towards me.
         "You came back?" It voices changes to one of a young girl. I turn my head to Aether so he can take control of the situation. I have no idea what I should say to it.
           "Yes we did, we're wondering if you had any answers?"
           "Oh, is that the only reason you came?" It says sadly, "That's fine, come to my space."
           We are transported to a different ocean floor and I see my reflection in the ground. I hate my reflection. I hate myself. I look at Aether and I see a guilty look on his face. He must see himself in this young girl and I do too. Not in the same way but there are some similarities.
           "The people in liyue are in a different time period than we are," Scaramouche, the ugly doll, says. I personally feel like he could've said that with a bit more sentiment.
            "I have no idea why that may be," the young girl says with maturity I did not expect. "However! My guardian has mentioned a phenomenon similar to this. It isn't entirely my fault really but I must've changed something.."
             "What phenomenon?"
             "Well sometimes, archons or.." she looks at me, "Adepti if they have enough power can be selfish so they want to keep their citizens to alive forever. If that's done, the heavenly principles can place a curse on the entire region. They can continue living but with a price if you know what I mean."
            "And what could the price be?"
            "I really don't know, seriously. Depends on the archon, the situation, the intent.."
             I know what she means and I know exactly what she's talking about. I know who's she talking about because that person is me. It was by accident though and I have no clue what the price is.
             "I can find a way to help you figure it out though, if you let me interfere with one of your minds that is," she says quickly as if she's trying to impress us. Before any of us could answer, she puts her chilling fingers on my forehead. Aether reaches for me and Scaramouche just stares. It's fine, I wouldn't have reached for me either.
             

                I think we're in my memories now because we're in old liyue. The townspeople look different and the city isn't as developed. Aether looks at me with confusion and worry, "Why are we in your memories?"
               "I'm sorry."
               "Xiao.."
               "I'm sorry."
               He looks at me and sighs. He seems to be at a loss of words. This was after the rest of the adeptus destroyed themselves. We're standing at the pier and his blond hair is covering his expression. His braid is almost undone and his face has gone pale. His opinion of me keeps on getting worse. I don't want his opinion of me to change because I can't bear to be in a place where he doesn't want to see me. Oh, man.
             "Just explain so I can understand ."
             "Back then.. in the past, I had tried to get rid of myself. I couldn't handle the loss that followed behind me like a shadow. Zhongli stopped me from doing so, he had seen me in the mountains ripping myself apart. He told me to live and if I don't have a reason to live, I should live to find one. So that's what I did. Then I found you and you became my reason. I didn't know you were immortal back then so.. I... I tried to make it that you wouldn't die. That isn't something you can do without a price. The price was the people of liyue."
            "When did you do this?"
            "When you first came to liyue, and it didn't even work. I wasn't strong enough but then Zhongli gave his gnosis to the members of the fatui. So that was my opportunity and I got it from the Scarlet witch. So I used the power of the gnosis for my wish."
            "Your wish? What if I didn't want to live forever? What about me?"
            "I thought about that too late, then I found out from an informant that you were a descender. So I did that for no reason. It was my mistake and I regret it so so much. It's killing me to even think about. So I tried to reverse it but I guess that isn't something you can just do."
            "Oh Xiao.."
             "I know traveler, I know."
             "I don't even know what to say. I'm just so mad at you but there's nothing we can do about the past. Okay? We can figure this out together and save everyone."
              "Do you forgive me?"
              "Fuck no but you already did what you did. I'll learn to forgive you with time but right now we don't have a lot of it. There are innocent people who are stuck in a time period  because of this and we have to fix that."
              "Okay, I'm okay with that." I say and stare at Aether. He has a hard time returning the eye contact especially since he just learnt about what I've done. After killing that oracle and putting the people of liyue in jeopardy, I guess he doesn't owe me much especially since he's cleaning up my mess.
             We start walking in the old city together side by side like how it should've been before. Though I feel like this moment is something I'll get often in the future.  I look at my hands and it feels like my nails are peeling off the finger beds and my skin is shredding apart. I feel like I'm fading away but I'm very much present. My head feels heavy and unbalanced. I believe this is the feeling of losing something- someone you love. He looks back at me wondering what's causing me to pause. He looks at me and gives me a comforting smile. It's as if he's begging me to go on, something I wish it'd be easy for me to do.
              I ruined people's lives over my desire to be loved. Even after all of what I've done, I see no love in his eyes. I wonder what will kill me first, the heavenly  principles or my unrequited love. Emotions are a terrible thing.
              "Live on," he says.
              "What?"
               "Continue living. Don't make me your reason, don't make anyone else your reason," he says..

"Continue living even without reason."