I dunno, I needed somewhere to write. To just rant..I guess. I could never tell anyone I know about the shit that goes on in the middle of the night. When no ones there. Even now, I feel it hard to open up to a virtual sheet of paper..that random people might see.
See, last year. My best friend told me she was depressed. I shot her down saying she was just sad, seeing as we're still young, and I'd never been through something like this. It was a dick move, I've regretted it forever. Just like, a weight I have to carry with me. I talked to her to get a better understanding about what she was going through. But in the end, I was still doubtful.
Throughout the school year...she..she started cutting. I didn't know. Until her ex-boyfriend texted me to check her wrists. I was walking out of school with her when I received the text and stopped her right in her tracks. She had cuts going all up her arms. I silently blamed myself and got on my bus. I couldn't believe she wouldn't tell me.. And I felt so upset and fought back my tears when I got home.
Later on towards the end of the school year. I figured out she was also eating less. I felt like it was my fault. I was always trying to help her. Always putting her before me.. And that's how I ended up here I guess. I would care less about myself. And put myself down more. I wouldnt cry. I haven't for awhile. She's gotten better. She's eating more. She dosent cut. She's ok again.
But in the process of making her better. I broke down my fake perfect world. I found out I was bipolar type one. I found out I had serious social anxiety.. All of the stuff I pushed down came up. And that's why I'm here... Telling complete strangers what I cannot tell anyone else. I've never told her.. Or anyone I know in person.. I miss being happy..I just want SOMEONE! To help me.. I can't stand keeping this in! And even now. I'm sitting in the dark tearing up and thinking about how fucked up I am. I stay up late..because I usually get nightmares. I'm messed up.
And the worst thing is..is that even though I helped my best friend get better. She still compares herself to me. She'll say she has bad social anxiety.. And when I say I do too. She says "Oh but mines worse Ragen."
I'll hint at me being sad. She'll never understand. And I just cant.
I'm sorry for fucking your, anyone who takes the time to read this, day up with my sob story. ❤
