Yellow

Wrote this so long ago... But i just never posted it

-why aren't you giving me a second chance??
I felt as if you've crossed the line this time round, darling. If you had in the start quickly figured out that I was precious to you, and hurriedly loved me...maybe things would have worked out. I'm not going to lie. I held back. But only because of what you told me the VERY second! - I opened up. Remember that night when I first, gazed into your eyes so deeply? You hushed them and chased them away with the harshest words along the lines of ' you'll get hurt because I can't love you the way you want me to.' Who cares what I want?? If you love me, you'd give all you have and hope it would be enough. I never expected too much, because every time I request something better of you, you tell me I'm selfish. Recalling that vast pain that would come if I was open, I recoiled almost immediately and closed up. I can't do this because it is the last straw. If I keep giving you chances, I might sacrifice that chance to you instead of someone ELSE who might be better. I can't keep trying with someone as broken as me. Because when I try to lift you bring both of us down. When you try to lift, I bring the both of us down. Besides, I really cannot understand this 'love'. When two person are in love... What do they do? Talk, spend time together, go on dates and ... have sex? And when we do, later on I would feel this pang of guilt and paranoia. I realised right now, that I'm a little OCD. I can't stand it when there is something I am uncertain about. The pressure of not knowing when I'll have my p's and having to get the pills is driving me mad. It's maddening. It really is. It literally drives me insane! I don't want that responsibility yet. Not now! It might be too late to say this. But I'm not ready to have sex... Because of the guilt weighing down on my half-consciousness.
-Why did I let it go so far?
Because I love you so much. I care for you. I want to please you. If I leave you, you'll break wouldn't you? I knew it. Some part thinks that you would be able to handle it if I left. But your actions and my heart knows you'll break. You'll go on about your melancholic nature and all... Honestly, one of the reasons I don't talk so much to others is because people always tend to think we make a mountain out of a mole hill :p I suppose it really does seem like that to oneself but then again it isn't. So, yes- you do ramble on about things I already know about you. Doesn't mean I don't find it important to still listen to you. :)
-If you've treated me wrong once (more than once) what's stopping you from doing it again?
You treated me pretty shitty at some points when you were fully aware that you were doing it. Does that prove to me (or anyone) that you love me?
Am I some candidate that signed up to be tested if I was worthy of your love? Honestly, I can't believe I put through all that. Just! To be close to you. And still... All these happen. I'm not going to deny though... I knew you cared for me deeply and I, you. And for somewhat reason, you didn't trust that. You took a simple excuse to not trust me just so you could have a solid reason to hold back! Yes, that's right. Love, you didn't trust me not because I wasn't loyal. You didn't trust me because you needed a reason to hold back. A reason to keep you in check. To recheck and recheck if you were with the right person. You didn't for a second! Willingly be with me- Gave me a chance! And you say I don't give you chances.
Pooh!
-So... Does that mean our relationship was rubbish?
No. I don't think that, my dearly beloved. Because if you didn't mean a thing to me, my hands wouldn't tremble when you hurt me. I wouldn't unconsciously be thinking of you at night. I didn't cry because I took your advice and prepared myself for the fall. When I was 14. I told myself I would train myself that no matter who leaves my side that it wouldn't hurt. All these years of training didn't go to waste then :p although I didn't shed a tear or feel too much pain... Somehow my body still acts according to a person that is in pain. :/ (Aw shucks!) I mimic what my family members do when they rage. Don't make getting hurt and getting stronger a bad thing, baby. It's not... Because, I live it.
Perhaps, it is a bad thing... As it leads to not being able to settle down after a while. But I choose to view it as a good thing.
-So, if our relationship meant something... Why can't we work it out??
Because like I said, it's past the line. We did all we can. I personally like to accomplish new goals and not dwell on old things. If it can't work, deal with it. I think that we would be pretty compatible... It's just that, my goal is to establish a stable relationship with a potential husband. And... I cannot put my want before my religion. I'm Christian and ...well, you're not. :( that really draws the line in my head that I cannot be with you. But I loved your company enough to establish a relationship with you, PROVING my love for you! But, I have to move on... I can't afford to waste more time. That was probably why you always felt like I had a 'wandering eye'. This, I apologise for. But! Honestly, I love you only and dolled up back then with only you on my mind.

-Then, why did you suggest a closure relationship?
I think if I were you. I would be grateful enough. If there were 10 dots joining a circle and 8 hates 'dot A' the 'dot B' could still join the circle and be the only joining point to dot A and the other dots. But ever heard of the story: there were 2 clans: good and evil. If you're neutral, you stand in the middle( joining dot), you get killed by both clans because you belong to neither. You're not exactly anyone's favourite right now where I stand.( includes the boys) and I find that if their opinion holds 20% and my opinion is the 50% and your attitude and other factors for and towards me is 30%. I would have 80% against you.