May 1st, 1948
We had only just settled in Boston when the day I dreaded came to pass. Last night I already cried, softly ofcourse. He was supposed to be 26 now, still so young but he was already dead. I grieved for him, for what his life would've been if Culloden never happened.
I wake up around 6 am and carefully step out of bed, hoping not to wake Frank. Slowly I go downstairs, trying not to think about what day it is. After a couple of minutes I give up, it's worthless. I see his face everywhere and I hate it. It makes me sick, I miss him so.
Gently I cup my small bump, just like Jamie always did, when I was carrying our little Faith. Oh my darlings, I hoped and prayed they found eachother and that Jamie would tell her everything about me. I hadn't even been away from Jamie that long, 15 days, 2 weeks and 1 day, 360 hours, 21,600 minutes, 1,296,000 seconds. But it felt like an eternity.
I go outside and sit down on one of the chairs. The sun is starting to rise and I feel it on my skin. I close my eyes and some tears stream down my face. ''Oh Jamie,'' I whisper softly. ''Happy birthday, darling. I love you so much, and I miss you,''
A noise of a bird makes me open my eyes to see a mourning dove. How appropriate, I think to myself. Another, smaller one appears and they both look in my direction. A second later it hits me. ''Jamie? Faith? Are you here?'' I whisper. They make a small noise and I burst out crying.
I read somewhere mourning birds are family or friends looking after you, when they pass. Now I can't help but see Jamie and Faith's faces. My real family. ''Baby is okay, that's what the doctor said atleast,'' the bigger dove chirps and steps a little closer. I carefully place a finger on its head and it lets me. ''Please Jamie, if I die, we can all be together, in the here after. You, me and our babies,'' I say, voice still soft.
The dove takes a step back, as if to dissaprove of my idea. ''I know... I know you want me to be happy and raise this kid to be good, but I don't think I can do that without you,''
I take a few breaths and close my eyes. When I open them again I see the doves flying away, right into the sun, then they're just gone. ''Please...'' I whimper. ''Stay,''
I cry for another half hour before taking a shower and make some breakfast. It was saturday, Frank didn't have to work but he told me yesterday he'd be going to the office anyway. I appreciated it, I could mourn in peace if he wasn't there. I needed to mourn him, desperately.
I had promised Jamie I'd be good for our baby, to raise to right and make sure it was loved. If I was going to fullfill that promise as best as I could, I needed to mourn him. The more I did, the more I'd accept it. Atleast that is what I hope will happen. I know I'll never get over Jamie, I'll think about him every day, I'm sure of that. But maybe, just maybe I'll ever be in peace with the life I'm going to live for another long while. If not for myself, then for my Jamie and our baby.
