So I found these random hestadil songfics I wrote a while back and thought I'd publish them. I'm editing them some so I'll post one at a time but it should be pretty quick :) Oh, and a quick warning, this starts of super sad, but it get's better I swear!
I paced back and forth all this time, cause I honestly believed in you.
It's Agatha and Tedros' five year wedding anniversary today. They held a celebration, and the whole group visited Camelot to attend. It's the first time we've seen each other in a long while.
Hester and I worked with Dot as sheriffs in Nottingham for two years, until someone else finally took the goddamn job. Dot wanted to stay in Nottingham, saying she was ready to take a break from all the action. Kiko just happened to move there shortly after.
Hester went to finally restore her mother's house, and I followed her. I always do. It took us about a week. And then with nothing to do, we basically started working for Tedros. Well... with Tedros. We did the things Camelot needed done but couldn't do themselves, and it worked out fairly well. He got someone else to do his dirty work, and Hester and I got to do some decently evil things.
And throughout it all I've waited. Wishing, hoping, I even fucking prayed that Hester would make a move. And she never has.
Holding on, the days drag on, stupid girl, I should've known, should've known.
I've always been sure that she feels the same way. Yes, she'd refused to go to the No-Ball with me in our fourth year. Yes, she completely rejected me in Avalon. Yes, she refuses to acknowledge the possibility that I'm in love with her.
But she also refused to let anyone else take me to the dance. I went alone. She slept with her arms around my waist every night in Avalon. She grabs my hand whenever she's afraid... not to mention the night she almost kissed me by the campfire. I know I'm more than her henchman. More than her friend.
I remember the night she rejected me. We were in Avalon, having gone for a walk together one night. (Her idea. Not romantic at all, Hester.) And I'd finally asked her what we were. She pretended to be confused... and I guess I got tired of dancing around the whole thing. I told her I was in love with her, and she laughed at me. Like she thought I was joking. I told her that I was serious, and she just went quiet. After the what may have been the most painful few minutes of my life, she stood up.
"You said it yourself. Those feelings are fake, no matter how real they seem. I'm going to bed."
And then she left. I sat down against the tree we'd been by and cried for the first time in years. I'm fairly sure she thought I didn't notice, but Hester didn't actually go inside. She stood twenty feet away and saw the whole thing. I've heard evergirls talk about "heartbreak" like it's some beautiful tragedy. They've got it wrong. There is nothing remotely romantic about a broken heart. Heartbreak is slowly bleeding out on the floor while the person you care about most stands twenty feet away and does nothing.
So, when Hester walked away from me that night, she broke my heart.
We never talked about it again. She let things drift back to the way they were, acting as though it hadn't happened. But I couldn't ever seem to forget the way she left me behind that night.
I know it makes me weak, but I never wanted to go through that again. So, I waited for her to do something, anything. It's been seven years since that night, and all she does is rebuild the wall I've tried so hard to break down.
That I'm not a princess, this ain't our fairytale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town.
Dot asked me once if Hester knew I was in love with her. She seemed worried that I'd be angry at her, but I wasn't. I've never tried to hide the way I feel about Hester. She's been my whole world for years, and most people seem to know that. I told her that yes, Hester did know. She seemed surprised. And when she asked why we weren't together, all I could say was, "She doesn't want me."
It isn't the truth, and everyone knows it. Hester doesn't hide her feelings any better than I do... except from herself, of course. Dot didn't respond and hasn't brought it up since. She's notices more than people think she does, I suppose.
We arrived in Camelot yesterday. I was talking to Agatha and Sophie, and Agatha asked me if Hester and I had finally gotten together. I laughed because of how much the whole thing hurts. I told her no, and Sophie yelled, "What? But you're practically made for each other! Meant to be! True love!" I told her to shut the fuck up, before reminding her exactly how nosy she was. She rolled her eyes, and Agatha asked me why.
After eight years of being in love with Hester, I've never once thought of it as true love. So, I told them, "It isn't like what evers get, Agatha. I'm not a princess, and this isn't a fairytale. Hester doesn't want me."
I keep coming back to that. She doesn't want me. Or maybe she does, but her pride is more important to her than I am. Agatha and Sophie didn't seem to know how to respond, and I didn't want them to. I walked away.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down, now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around.
I'm going home to Bloodbrook. I never wanted to go back. The only thing waiting for me is a family who never wanted me to begin with. But I can't do this anymore. I've followed Hester across the endless woods for years. I have fought and killed with her. For her. And I'd do it a million times over... if for once in her life she would look at me and actually see me.
I can't pretend this is nothing anymore. My heart breaks a little bit more every time she holds my hand, every time she moves closer to me at night. And I don't think I can keep doing this. I want more.
I would follow Hester anywhere, but I have to leave. I told her I'm leaving, and I started to cry. I waited for her to protest, to ask me to stay, to get angry. Anything... but it was just like that night in Avalon. She stood and watched me leave, not speaking a word.
I would follow Hester anywhere.
But she doesn't want me.
