So I wasn't too fond of this chapter, it just seemed sloppier than the rest, I guess. But I think it's necessary to lead into the next one. Anyways, I hope it seems to fit the rest of the story :)
Please don't ruin this for me. Please don't make it harder than it already is. I'm trying to get over this.
I noticed that Rat 2 was missing three hours after I left, but I couldn't turn back. I started running so I wouldn't. I ran all the way to the nearest flower ground station and sneaked in behind an unsuspecting ever.
I've been home for a week, and I already know I'm going to go back. I know it's stupid, but I can't leave a rat behind. I'll think about her every day, and if I think about her then I'll think about Hester. And if I think about Hester, I will never get over her.
I'm not entirely sure I'm capable of going through a day without thinking about Hester, but I want to at least try.
Of course I left my rat behind. I finally decided to start getting over this, and it's starting to feel impossible. This was painful enough without having to go back.
My parents were "happy" to see me. They said they were glad I'd left behind "being a henchman", and also mentioned that they hoped I wasn't "interested" in other girls anymore. Well, that was just my mother. My father would rather not dwell on such things. I dodged the topic, but she'll bring it up again soon.
My house is cold, and I'm still terrified of my father. My bed is too big, and too lonely. They want me to keep working in the "family business", which is taking advantage of people who don't know better so they can buy their way up the food chain. That's a sort of evil that I don't respect, and I have next to zero interest in helping them with it.
But I have nowhere else to go.
I wish that you would stay in my memories, but you show up today just to ruin things.
I miss my rat, but I'm scared to go back. What will Hester say? I'll have to talk to her, I know I will. And I don't know what I'll say. "I left my rat". Then what? She gives it to me, and I leave again? What if she doesn't even have the rat, and I show up for no reason?
I'm afraid she'll be mad at me... or worse, I'm afraid I've really hurt her. I walked away just like she did back in Avalon. What if I broke her heart? I know what it feels like, and I don't think I could live with myself if I made her feel that way.
Or... what if she's perfectly fine? What if my leaving didn't change anything for her?
I wanna put you in the past because I'm traumatized.
I just wanted to rip the fucking band-aid off. Leave this whole thing behind. Maybe I'm being a coward, but everything hurt too much, and I couldn't do it anymore.
But you're not letting me do that.
But I have to go back. I only really love two things. My rats, and Hester. I can't lose both of them (and it doesn't matter that it's only one rat. I need all of them. I don't have anything else right now.)
