HOLDING ON (Revised)

Chapter 1

*Alli*

The days had dragged on slowly since we laid Nick to rest, and I was still having a hard time dealing with the fact that he wasn't coming home ever again. Nick's clothes hung in the closet; his slippers sat beside our bed. His empty water glass and book still sat on his nightstand; everything was as it was that morning. I wore the shirt he had worn to bed that night every night, his scent still so potent. I was encased and surrounded by so many memories, and I knew I was spiraling out of control, his absence too much to bear. His death had left me broken and angry.

Every day, I struggled to get out of bed in the morning because I knew I wouldn't see his gorgeous face smiling at me with so much love in his gaze. It was the worst kind of torture.

I especially missed the way he always kissed my pregnant belly and talked to Ari like he had with Alexander, forever doting on her even in the womb.

Sorrow filled me because he had been so excited that we were having a little girl he could spoil. The thought that he would never meet her broke my heart. It was all just too much at once. How could our love story have ended this way?

I missed the safety of being in his arms and how his touch sent fire through my body. I closed my eyes, pain coursing through me at his absence. I missed him so much.

Alexander struggled with the fact that his dad was gone now. I didn't have the words to console him. I was sure that nothing I said would make it better for him. Nick was unreplaceable to him, and now he was gone. Thinking of all the moments Alexader and Ari would never have with Nick hurt, causing an aches inside that I knew would never go away.

I was angry that Nick was gone and that he had left us. He had promised me forever, and yet here I was alone. How could the goddess allow him to die? Hadn't we been through enough already?

I finally concluded that although hurt and heartbroken, I had no right to question the goddess for taking him from us.

I did my best to be thankful for my time with him. I cherished every second we had together. He had been the brightness in my darkest days. He had loved me through some of the most challenging times in my life and stood by me through it all, and we had been through a lot. We had endured it together, and now I was fighting not to drown in my sorrow.

Seeing Matthew again had been shocking to my grief-stricken self. I had felt relief in those brief moments that he was near me. Guilt had racked my body for feeling like that. I didn't want to feel anything for anyone who was not Nick, not now or ever.

"Alli, you have got to snap out of it already," Macy said, turning on the lights and opening my curtains to let the light shine in.

"Your life is not over because he's gone. You still have Alex and Ari to worry about." Macy said, pulling the covers off of me.

I knew what she said was for my good, but it still angered me. How was I supposed to go on without Nick? How was I supposed to live without him?

"I feel so empty inside, Macy. My heart aches." I said, looking up at her, tears filling my eyes.

"It hurts so much," I said, hanging my head.

"Alli," Macy said, pulling me into a hug.

"I cannot even pretend to understand how you feel, Alli. But you cannot let yourself drown because you're so grief-stricken. Please, fight. Could you do it for Alexander and Ari? "She said softly.

I nodded my head cause I was on the verge of a breakdown, and that was the best I could do now.

*Matthew*