If You Knew

Prolouge

My name is Kobe, I'm 16, I have a pretty descent life. I live with my dad in a small city in Arizona.
I have a great friends, go to a great school with me wanting to graduate so I can start working in the nursing field.

But all I know is I have problems. I'm a very suicidal person wishing for death.
I know I shouldn't and all but I can't help it. I'm just in love with the pain I deserve, for being a disgusting human being. One of my problems is my fear of coming out, I would never be able to deal with the rejection I would get from so many people. Only two people know and it's my best friends Alexa and Desi. They have been super supportive and tried help me get through my problems.

I have another best friend but he's homophobic, his name is Ryder. We've known each other since we were kids, he helped me a lot growing up. He helped me get through my parents divorce, bullying, you name it. Overtime, I began to realize that I had a crush on him. A MAJOR crush on him, that's another one of my problems that I'm still scared about. Like, what's the point of having a crush on your best friend if you'll never end up together.

He's had so many girlfriends and has been happy with them. It hurts. It feels like he's starting to abandon me slowly, I've even told Ryder myself that it feels like that. And he keeps saying the same freaking answer. "Don't worry about it."

That's all I worry about doing, what neither of my friends know is about my first boyfriend. His name was Luke, we met in my second year of middle school.

Flashback

There's this boy named Luke he was pretty cute I guess, he liked pranking people a lot, he got detention everyday because he would always get caught.

One ironic fateful day I got detention myself for skipping school. We were both to tidy up the principles office, during those hours we got to become close best friends. We did everything together, sometimes we would sneak out to go to see a new horror movie at midnight, it was pretty sick if you ask me.

"How are you doing that?"

Doing what?

Thinking like that, with being so chill and everything?

Lots of practice in class, you should try it one day

I'll pass thank you I said while playing with his hair

Hey, remember when we first met in detention?

Oh yeah of course I still remember

You and your Cookie Monster shirt! He said while laughing

Oh shut up you were the one wearing those pink converse

Those were my sisters!

Yeah sure

After a while I started to notice that I was starting to grow a crush on Luke, I was scared like I am today. I stayed home that day while my dad was at work, I guess he felt like something was going on with me. Which of course he was correct.

He opened my window only to see me laying in bed crying with bleeding cuts deep within my wrist. He was so shocked to see me like this that I think he was starting to tear up,
He climbed in my bed sitting in front of me saying why did I do it

Because I'm scared

Well what are you scared of?

Losing you. You know you would never lose me

I will when you find out. Never

Luke, I like you. I said with tears still streaming down my face

He just sat in silence, I was staring into his eyes looking for any emotion.

Kobe, He said. With that he smashed his lips into mine, as he pulled away I just sat in shock. Without thinking I kissed him back.

That was how our relationship started

Things were going good with me and him. We went out on a lot of dates, he even asked me to be his boyfriend.

Then the day came. We were walking down the street, him saying he has a surprise for me.
Me, being the over excited person I am, happily walking side by side holding hands with our fingers intertwined, I didn't see it coming. He just said KOBE LOOK OUT!! He said as he pushed me out of the way. With that I saw the car speed up and run him over and crash into the flower cart with him being stuck in between.

I finally had the strength to stand up and make my way over to him. Running over to the scene I saw his beautiful face all bloodied up, with small parts of his skin with cuts.
L-Luke?

K-k-Kobe, i love you...

With that, he was gone. I couldn't move or anything I just sat there, kneeling down holding his head.

The paramedics eventually came and took him to the hospital, even tho it was no use. I watched the paramedics slowly fade away from the scene. Knowing it would be the last time I would see him.

Flashback ends

To this day I still have the dreams of that day, waking up crying, screaming for him to comeback to me.

So that's what's not going to happen, he's not going to find out i love him, or even like him for that matter. It's not going to happen again.

Because if you knew it would change everything.