it's now just a memory..

just a rant x x

present but vacant is the worst type of parent you can have. they are with you physically but mentally miles away. not a care for what you're saying, hardly even listening but when push comes to shove they play the hero..

growing up with a toxic dad, he's never wrong, he always has to have the last word until one day he just isn't there at all. months pass by, he reappears and pretends to be different but within a matter of days it's back to normal.

someone people defend him and blame addiction..but that isn't enough of a reason for my closure.

i begged my mum to leave him, even at 12 years old I could see him breaking her heart over and over again with his immature behaviour and lack of communication. it always just shouting and storming out, it wasn't healthy for any of us.

it's been 15 months since they broke up, 7 years after I told my mum to leave him. my heart broke for her everyday but it had to be her decision and on her terms. i had contact for a while but it became too much, constantly prioritising alcohol and choosing it over spending time with his children. it was wrong and he was so blind to it.

it's April 2024, i have been no contact with him for two months and as much as it hurt so bad to cut him off, i had to ask myself did i even have him in the first place? was i ever his priority? I know that answer is no, never but that didn't soften the blow.

seeing my mum finally smiling again has fixed any pain i had felt towards the situation. knowing that my best friend and the woman who has held me up my whole life is finally realising her worth is more fulfilling than a vacant dad.

I don't know him anymore, I know his name and I know where he lives but I don't remember his voice or his mannerisms and characteristics (not that I want to either) but the whole idea of having a dad is merely a distant memory slowly fading day by day. one day I will wake up and have completely forgotten about him and what he is like, I don't know how that will feel.

Growing up it was always "Daddy's little princess"  to his friends but they didn't see the sleepless nights with tearstained cheeks after heated arguments and no one to run to. Or the states he came home in. Him being drunk by 11am throughout my childhood. Listening to my mum cry as he argued with her because he was so high on who knows what drugs. None of it made any sense. To be nicknamed as "daddy's little princess" requires you to have a dad who is there by choice not someone who feels obliged to see you because he is bound by shared dna.

If anyone that reads this has experienced anything like this or worse in their childhood, my heart truly goes out to you and how strong you must be. But from one survivor to another, it's their loss, life goes on... enjoy every second and let all deadbeat dads fade into forgotten memory.