No Matter What

It suits you.

To me it felt like the end of the world. Me. Maisie. I never thought that when I walked out that door the chain reactions of events was going to create my world to not have you in it. 

It all started that night. That one night. 

I was on the bus home. From a long long journey. I had caught a train, followed by a delayed wait, to another train. I awaited a grumpy coach that smelt like someone had forgotten to pick up the remaining rubbish mixed with fumes of sweaty deodorant. 

I messaged you. Several times. I was excited to come back.You, I was never sure of. You never showed whether you were excited for me to come back. I couldn't read you as easy as you could read me. 

I responded with the usual cringe kiss emoji, a big fan I was at the time sending it to you. I admired the coach lights as the darkness flooded into us as we sat and awaited for the wheels to stop turning. They guided us to home, or a temporary home as that is what university feels like. Somewhere you gain all your comfort and your new sense of self. Only for you to fall completely backwards of a cliff to exactly where you started before. But I was coming "home" never the less...to you. 

Like the wheels turning, the thoughts wouldn't stop spinning in my head. What if you didn't want to see me? What if you didn't care as much as I thought you did?

My phone dinged again and an image was attached. You were out. Socialising as you do. You would never say no to a good night with flashing colours and stained t-shirts. But you looked so...happy. I liked happy. 

You responded. You should join us. It was quarter to twelve. Most of the night was almost over by this point. Your friends and mine were dancing around you as I watched from afar. it was like a palace. Filled with different moods and emotions. Different colours intertwined. 

I wore green cargo trousers that were slightly falling off of my waist, followed by a pink vest top coated with a denim jacket to hide my insecurities which is perfection on a night out. I am never usually spotted. My brunette hair would fall over my face as I looked around slightly lost and confused to why I decided to join you. 

In that moment, I didn't feel real. Nobody saw me. I felt temporary. All these intoxicated lives walked straight through me. My invisibility was easily usable to others surrounding me. The colours tangled together and as my head guided me. You saw me. 

You saw me with this wide smile, it reached your eyes. It made me feel warm. It was like you had made it to the end of your search. You stopped for a moment, I felt your eyes on me as my friends approached as well. 

"You actually came." He tapped my shoulder to gain my attention. 

His smile never faded. 

"Yeah I thought I might as well." I tried to play it casual. I tried. 

My friend pulled me in closer. Avoiding the ears of you. 

"Christopher has been asking when you have been coming." She comments in mine. 

Whether you heard my friend in that moment or you decided to whither away. Your attention turned to someone else. It grew attached to your other friends. They were gorgeous and social. They had a spark I would keep hidden. But they weren't afraid to show theirs. I admire them for it. 

You didn't want me to know did you? The excitement you had. 

I felt embarrassed, a little stupid. That I thought coming here would mean there would be something to adapt too. Something new. I walk towards the steps of the nightlife, into the room full of cocktails and vodka and lemonade.