In our shadows we hide. | Rafe Cameron Ff

Living.

I feel Bo wiggling his tail as I make my way into the kitchen, I repeat the night again and again in my head, making his bowl of food ready. I chuckle as he sits down like he never did anything else, waiting for his food. A shiver runs through my body, I feel my top uncomfortably clinging onto my shoulders and chest, like it's giving me a cold, icy hug. I plate Bo's bowl in front of him, waiting a few seconds as I give him the signal to eat. I watch him as my mind slowly drifts to the feelings I tried to avoid.

I feel empty and exhausted, at the same time I know I can't sleep now. Because my stupid head won't let me, it's not letting me get the rest I need. I hate how much I'm in my own head, especially since I told my therapist that I thought I got better. Thought is the right way to describe it. I feel myself spiraling into a state I can't pull myself out of, I've learned to acknowledge my patterns when they come around again. But it would be so much more comfortable to let me spiral, just bed rotting for a while again, I know if I don't do something against it now it'll happen, me laying in bed, not doing anything, staring at my wall for hours, maybe crying, maybe not.

I decide to try to not let myself get that down, my feelings are valid. I learned that the hard way, but I deserve to treat myself right and with respect and be sad. So I decide to put on music, loud and happy music. As the music floods the air around me, I feel myself smiling, dad loved dancing in the kitchen with me. My heart breaks a bit by the thought of him, but there's also a feeling of calmness, warmth and love, everything my dad spread around him. At least when he wasn't full of rage. That happened not often, but one night burned in my memories, that night I'll never forget. I sigh, stopping the music as I get up, Bo following me.

I brush my teeth and wash my face, finally getting into warm and dry clothes, air blowing my hair, it's crazy how I almost forgot I was drenched downstairs. At 3:56 am I finally fall in my bed, Bo near beside in his dog bed, snoring loudly. I close my eyes, "Sweet dreams Bo" I whisper as I get under my covers, closing my eyes. My mind almost immediately begins to think about the whole night, the fun I had with Sarah, the weird encounters with Rafe, the absolutely weird car ride, and Rachel. I chuckle slightly, I feel bad that I do, but I never really understood why girls got with Rafe in the first place, he's no good. I won't say I don't get that I don't understand why every girl thinks she'll change him for the better, because I do. But I know no one can. Unless himself. So I let it be.

Sooner or later I must've fallen into a slumber, because when I open my eyes again, the sun peeks through my curtains. I yawn, slowly getting up, I check my phone, Sarah: good morning sunshineee, meet me at our spot at 11?
I chuckle, I didn't expected Sarah to be awake this soon, I look at my watch, fuck. It's already 10:40, I hear Bo getting up aswell, giving him a big pet, as I practically run to my closet, choosing a cute teal bikini, a strapless top, my favorite shorts and my favorite converse, the ones I designed with Sarah, they're pink, with cute light pink details, I love them. I practically jump in and out the shower in less than 5 minutes, just doing my mascara, if I don't let my hair air dry I won't make it in time. Great. It'll be wavy and curly hair then, it's not that I don't think curly hair doesn't look good, it just doesn't look good on me, my curls are undefined, wavy and almost straight at some points. It looks like I don't know how to style them properly, which I don't, that's why my hair is in sleek pony's or buns all the time or straightened. Maybe also styled as a blowout but never really how it's naturally is, curly and wavy.

I decide to take Bo with me, as I run down o my car at 10:55, getting Bo in the passenger seat, driving to our spot, which is a spot on the beach Sarah and I discovered when we were 10, maybe 11, at that time we wanted to be explorer's when we would've grown up. I put on my playlist as 'Young dumb and broke' by Khalid starts playing, I begin to vibe, smiling to myself, singing along. Now I don't feel empty, I feel pretty much alive, this feeling comes in waves, sometimes I'm the happiest person on the planet and then I'm suddenly feeling like everything I do isn't worth the effort anymore. I see a car that is familiar as I turn in the spot where I park my car when we meet at our spot, I don't like that car.

Sarah gets out of the car as I do the same, taking Bo with me. It's Rafe's car Sarah is getting out, I roll my eyes as I get around his car, Bo already ran over to the beach, I turn back, looking at Sarah as she waves, I wave back my gaze never leaving hers, I don't want to see him. "Delilah!" Sarah shouts full of excitement as she hops out the car, running towards me, hugging me. "Sarah" I chuckle as I hug her back, "how are you doing? Yesterday you seemed pretty much like you'd have a hangover now" I ask her."I'm great!" Sarah says as she waves Rafe goodbye, I already trying to get to Bo, I am not waving him goodbye, never.