//. fragile ; marichat

rant (please read)

FIRST

hiiii omg im so sorry i left i had exams and then fell into a lil state of anxiety mixed with a lot of stress and so i couldnt do anything but yeah! my highest score was a 99 and i was so pissed and still am and i cried yesterday in physics cus i got a 82 when i studied for a 100 but okay.

SECOND

has anyone had a crush cus like idk if mine counts as a crush

THIRD

bscly im gna explain now

so in primary sch (im in the uk) boys and girls were not friends so naturally i wouldnt talk to any boy if i didnt have to. but there is this guy and lets call him f. now i got into a secondary school that was a grammar sch (for smart kids bscly) and so did f but the sch was split into girls sch and boys sch (this is very popular in schools)

back to primary sch. bc we werent close cus we werent friends at all the most our relationship was was js us seeing each other as competition and i was (obvi) the smartest cus yeah why wouldnt i be and bscly every lesson the teacher put us tgt and we were bscly racing every lesson yeah and i always won and i remember that f was rlly funny when he got pissed so me and my bsf always teased him and then he started to like proper insult me but since i laugh all the time (i laugh at my friends getting in trouble, i laugh when im nervous, i laugh when i get picked on in class, i laugh when im confused) and so bc a second ago i had js devoured him in a maths test, when he started making fun of me like all boys do i started laughing hysterically and then he started laughing and ye it turned into every lesson we were js laughing.

skip to secondary sch

in secondary we saw each other at like the start of the sch day and at the end but we didnt speak cus i had my friends and he had his and i js wasnt interested yk. then one day my mum met his mum after ages and they stopped to talk and idk if ur mum does this but SHE JS DIDNT STOP and so at that time i had nth to do and f had nth to do so it was rlly awkward for both of us and then f's mum said arent u gna say hi LIKE NO WE ARENT FRIENDS BRO

but anyway even tho im so shy and introverted the adrenaline or dopamine or endorphins or wtv i got from seeing him meant i said HI😃😃😃👋👋👋 and to this day idk why and have never ever got that feeling

a year later (so yesterday) YES YESTERDAY IKR)  i see him on the bus (we see each other around but he js stares and i get shy and introverted and look away and run) and he looks at me and sits down so quick like why so shy man we havent spoken in years only i said smth and than was a year ago buckaroo chill

so on the bus i start fixing my hair and shit and my clothes cus i had js run out of pe to get the early bus (i didnt even get changed guys i wanted to go home and the teachers let us out 10 mins early so we can get changed so i js dashed out (DASH I WNA DASH I WNA RUN IT RUN IT)) and yh i was fixing myself up cus i looked a mess and my friends were sitting behind me and i look at him and yk that weird 😃😃😃👋👋👋 feeling from earlier?

I GOT IT AGAINNN

and after a few stops f turned around and got off telling the driver he needed to chuck smth away in the bin and told the driver to wait but he didnt and all his friends that were on with him were like OHHH OH SHIT F THAT SUCKS yk and as the bus drove off i realised what happened and i looked at him in the EYE and started LAUGHING  ( i told u i have an issue with laughing istg) and i think he saw me cus he had that pissed look on his face with his mouth like , and his eyes like 1    ,   1 yk??? ( ik u dont but if u saw f u would know guyssss )

and the thing is this morning...

I HAD A DREAM AB HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

the dream was bscly my bday party and for some reason it was is the boys and girls sch and i exited our english room and i was crying cus i had been left out all day when it was my bday party (WTF IKF) and yh this girl in my class who i always wait for (lets call her o) was waiting and then i cried more cus i was so happy for some reason 

but then we went outside where everyone else from girls and boys side were celebrating (me and my bday (but noone was celebrating ME yk)) and o ran off to her friends from the boys side and i found some of my classmates and sat down on the rugby pitch and they were being social and when i sat down a bunch of ppl came and gave me gifts and i was rlly happy

then we started walking around and they decided to interact with some boys

those boys happened to be f's friends and so f was there and we didnt talk until f said happy bday to me and everyone was like how does he fucking know ur name and i got shy and started giggling and he started laughing too until i finally stopped and said we were from the same primary sch and yh

then they all left cus i started laughing again and they had things to do and ppl to find and i got upset again cus then when i found my besties they ignored me like what the fuckin fuck guys i thought we fw each other

but yh then f was sitting on MY TRAMPOLINE (IDK MAN DONG ASK WHY IT WAS IN SCH) with his friends and noticed me and told me to come sit w them and then i woke up 

AND GOT THAT 😃😃😃👋👋👋 YK AHHHH

and all morning ive been searching up how to tell if u have a crush but its mostly ppl saying they found everything ab them attractive but

I DONT FIND ANYTHING AB F ATTRATCIVE

AND IDK HIS PERSONALITY ANYMORE BUT IK HES THE SAME CUS I SEE HIM W HIS FRIENDS

AND YH

SO CAN SOMEONE HELP

(IF U HELP I WILL UPDATE FOR U AND DEDICATE THE CHAP TO U AND GIVE U SPOILERSSSS PLEASE HELP DIAGNOSE MEEEE)

DIAGNOSE ME

i beg

anyway ty guys talk LATERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

<333