The Subway is for Lovers

"if i could fall into the sky"-tricky

As I take the C-train back home, I clutch my new shirt in my fist, protectively. But not in a I-don't- want-a-crazy-person-on-the-subway-stealing-my-stuff kind of way. It's more like I'm clinging on to something I value. Even though I've just bought it, this little patchwork design tee matters to me, in some sense it represents a new beginning.

Whenever I sit idly on the train long enough, I have time to think. The announcements and the abruptness of each stop falls away, it all merges into this blur of underground tunnels where I can just let my mind wander. This time, the first thing I think of is my friends- where they would be at this moment. I think of where I would be if they hadn't abandoned me, where I would be with them.

They'd look down on the store I went to today, I know that for a fact. If we were still walking around the mall together, and had passed up the Hot Topic, they'd probably start laughing their asses off about whoever steps foot in the "emo" store. Lana would lead us around like a pack, as usual, and we'd laugh at anything she'd say- even if it was cruel.

Then, I think of how still so instinctively call them my friends. Because I know that this abandonment was also probably Lana's idea. Right as the subway comes to my stop, I'm hit once again with the realization that, for the next two weeks, I have absolutely nothing planned, nothing to do.

I don't usually take the train, most times I'm carpooling. Lana and Maeko both had drivers. It was supposed to be Maeko's driver's turn to get us to and from the mall today - obviously I had been left out of the "from" part. Anyways, because of carpooling being my regular routine, I'm still sometimes taken by surprise from the speed at which the subway moves. Everyone and everything is just bustling- all the time. I'm practically pushed from the doors as the open to the station. I wonder if I'm just doomed to be like this for winter break- getting around by the subway, always pushed about. Maybe I was doomed to be pushed about for winter break either way.

I live not too far from this station in SoHo. On the walk home, I pass half of our winter break plans. Lana and I live in the same apartments, it's how we know one another, and since she plans practically everything, all the winter activities were in a radius near her. This all sucks, because most of the places seemed pretty cool, and I can confirm that when I pass them up. It'd be insanely embarrassing to show at them alone. I'd feel like something was missing. I'd feel like everyone could see that I was incomplete.

It's crazy, but it feels like the entire afternoon I've been making these two internal lists of the pros and cons of my new life without Lana, Maeko and Hali. But I've only added extensively to the cons. On the rest of my walk, which isn't much at all, I think of things to add to the pros.

For starters, they'd forever ostracized me. I never understood why, but they always found a way to. This time was just more permanent. And who stays with their high school cliques anyways? Really, what are the statistics of that? The latter was a more neutral point than anything.

Pro three? I have other people who are actually nice to me. I have Jake, who was really the only name think of regarding "other people". But, I had two weeks of free time- why not add on to that list of names?

I can tell I'm nearing my destination when I see the familiar surrounding buildings. A complex with a cafe and a studio, the hotel that always has cars coming in and out. Then, after three pros, I've reached my apartment. Thankfully, no Lana in sight. I don't spend too much time in the lobby and take the elevator to the top floor. It glides up in almost no time, when I'd take it when I was younger- I said it was like flying.

I finally get through the front door, hit with so much relief that I'm home after such a crazy day, or at least the last few hours were crazy. The living room overlooks the city, filled with its different colors. The room itself is all white and clean and modern, but mostly like really white.

As soon as I crash onto the sofa facing the window- my phone pings. It's Jake telling me he's off his shift. Which, reminds me to call him. Here I am, calling my best friend, looking out at the city, with the penthouse to myself, beginning to think -like I've been doing constantly this afternoon- that maybe winter break won't be so bad.

Pro four: if it weren't for my terrible friends I wouldn't have this cool shirt, and a friend at the Hot Topic- if interacting for ten minutes makes people friends. Honestly, I hope it does.