shouto todoroki's loverman.

grief.

september 21st, 20xx.
my nightmares are getting worse.
if you had told me at the beginning of my first year at UA that i would still be torn and burnt to ashes over someone that i knew for less than a year, i'd call you crazy. but you're not crazy. infact, that's the least crazy thing i've heard in a long while.

i still dont believe it. one minute they were there, we were chatting and being all sweet with eachother like we always do. then the next minute, i turn on the news and it's all over every channel. they didn't skip past any details in the slightest.the pictures weren't blurred, they were zoomed perfectly and the news just didn't respect any privacy.the reporters kept going up to people, traumatised people, and asking them shitty questions that really dug up what they just saw and threw it in their eyes.

i was just about to turn on the tv. ua had allowed us to go home after the threat of a pretty dangerous villain near the area. of course, knowing class 1a, we'd probably end up fighting that thing if we stayed in the open any longer. the tv immediately flashes with BREAKING NEWS on every news channel there is. they say a kid my age was found dead with the murderer covered in the kids' blood all up to her face. the murderer was a known terrorist from england, a name i couldn't put my finger on at that moment. i froze.

i know that kid. just a few hours ago, we were planning to go on our next date. just a few hours ago, i was telling them how beautiful they were and how lucky i was.and now they're dead?i freeze, my eyes staring at the commotion just a few minutes away from me, like i was actually there and not just watching it on a screen.
no.
no, i dont believe this. i won't believe it. i can't. i don't, I WONT BELIEVE THIS.  

    the phone rings.
i slightly snap out of my hysterical state to answer the unknown number. maybe it'll take my mind over whatever the fuck is going on.

"shouto?"

it's hawks. what's he doing, isn't he supposed to be at his agency?
i stay silent, my voice making me unable to speak, as i'll most likely just cry instead.

"shouto, you need to get down here. they're gone, shouto."

why does he keep saying my name? it takes all my self control to stop myself from screaming at him to fuck off.
i want to become hysterical. i want to scream and sob and thrash around and break everything.
this feeling isn't very hero like of me.

so i drag myself to the crime scene like im carrying a whole pillar from an ancient city from the romans. every single brain cell in my trembling body was screaming at me not to go.
i have to make sure it's not them.
it won't be my lover.
no way, not out of any kid at ua, she just cannot have killed my lover out of everyone.
nope, not at all.

"shouto! what are you doing here?"

my dad, the no.1 hero endeavor. he should know why im here. he's currently trying to ignore our difficulties and my past, like he's been doing a lot lately. i can't seem to call it atonement, because trying to atone after years i just can't forgive that easily.
instead of just standing infront of me or to my side, my dad hugs me.

"oh son, im so terribly sorry."

sorry? why's he sorry? nothing's happened. nothing at all. i look up at my dad and he looks down at me with the all familiar look of my family, called 'get out of your delirious state and snap back to reality' face.
then i look over at the police tape and then freeze once again. there they are.

i first notice their face, then their hair then they're body then the fuck tons of blood on the floor.
i can recognise this murder method anywhere, it's called the 'showbiz method' or the 'extraction method', idk it has many names due to the multiple layers of the murder.

it's where someone drugs the victim, so they're awake and aware.
then they completely mutilate, and maim the body. in many cases, the arms and legs are cut off with their eyes, nose and even ears. most bodies are found to be burnt or maybe their face is carved off. it really depends how creative the murderer is.
i notice that the murderer cut off the poor things right arm, gouged out their left eye, gave them loads of head trauma and went all oit with the burning part.

what really stood this out, was that according to rumours, the whole murder was streamed on live tv.

i feel my tears rush to my eyes, my body getting hot and flushing and my body trembling more than ever. but i don't cry, i collapse.
you're not supposed to lose your true love at my age, you're not supposed to lose them at all.

hawks rushes up to me. i get leaned up against him in my delirious state, as people are crying and shouting and just standing there in shock. i feel like im about to throw up. i need to. i want to. im going to.

im not??
oh fuck wait i did.

instead of apologising or cleaning it up, i just start crying. i would've put my face in it if it wasn't for hawks. i cried harder than i've ever cried a cry. ti's may sound repetitive but it was a massive cry.

everytime i closed my eyes, everytime i looked around or thought about it or didn't think about it or looked at the vomit or let out a sob or looked at hawks or looked at the body or at the people crying/screaming/in shock..
..that body with most likely the most lovable and beautiful person i'll ever lay my eyes on was all i could see in these blue and grey eyes of mine. its all my brain can play. what the fuck.

i don't think i can remember how i got back to ua. the next thing i see is being sat down next to the rest of my classmates. now we're up to 19.
some are crying, some are protesting on why they're not allowed to be near the body, fucking sickos. and some are just staring off into space or whispering with their friends on how horrific this is. im sat a bit further away from everyone else with my emotional support hawks. he looks to want to cry, and i would let him soon. right now, no not right now.

they're asking why i look mad. im mad?? didn't even notice. but maybe i just have a mad face. i don't feel mad, infact i feel really really really really sad. the whole world is being balanced on one of my shoulders, the other one has traces of the vomit. it's wobbling but seems to be stuck my glue, as no mayer how may times i try to forcefully wiggle my way out of this weight, it just stays on.

s: "i think i got too attached again."

h: "oh no, not at all. its normal to feel grief like this for the people you love."

s: "why does grief have to feel so much all at once?"

h: "it seems a lot right now. you'll always feel grief, there's just different amounts at different points. like right now, there's so much you feel like you're drowning in the pacific ocean. but soon enough, it'll feel like a mug of water."

s: "oh. i don't think i wanna wait that long."

no, i really don't. i never wanna feel this much grief again. i want my lover back. i need my lover back, where are they when i need them? they said they'd always be there. they said they'd be by my side through everything, thick and thin, rain and shine, heaven and hell. is this what i get for being so caring?? abandonment???? what the fuck!

i want my lover back.
thats not fair.