TW : Eating disorder
You guys I am really writing this to help cope. I hope you guys enjoy this though.
It's about a 17 yr old whose mom is Sarah Paulson. (also Sarah is dating Holland, it's like current day Sarah)
And you're battling Anorexia. Your mom helps you. That's kinda it lol
Clarissa Blake Paulson, I loved my name. My mom told me growing up, she spent hours and hours coming up with it. Although I am rarely called that- My mom always calls me Claire or belly. I hated the name belly, it's so embarrassing. She used to call me that when I was younger, I guess she's one for tradition. God forbid she call me by my full name though, it only means trouble... or death.
Not sure which is worse,
experiencing her wrath or dying.
It's that bad.
Let me tell you a bit about my life. I live in New York City. Of course, for my mom's work, we travel between here and Los Angeles. My whole
life is here though. My school, my friends, everything. I'm currently a junior in high school. I attend a private school in the upper east side, just overlooking central park. I've got my best friend, Emerson Maine Parker, but I call her Emmie. She's the one person who has never let me down.
I love and hate my mom's job, it has created a life full of experience for me but has created a very unlikely childhood. Friends aren't easy to make (or keep), I am always only seen through the lenses of my mom, I don't have a stable home life, sometimes the negatives seem to outrageously outweigh the positives. I have much support in my life though, I really enjoy being around my mom's best friend Amanda Peet. We have a really close relationship, I text and call a few times a week. She's the best. Then there is Holland. She's a wonderful individual. She is smart, caring, observant, wickedly talented, but I hate that she's dating my mom. Selfishly, I want it to just be my mom and I. Like how it used to be.
My mom goes through periods where she is home and then not for work. She'll be gone for weeks. Of course she'll call and whatever but it's not the same. I just hate sharing my limited time.
I know that it's wrong, but sometimes i'm kind of a bitch to Holland. She moved in with us about 8 months ago, let me tell you- that wasn't a fun conversation with mom.
I also have a secret. I would argue this would be another downside of growing up before I was meant to, that I have an eating disorder. I struggle with eating. Sometimes it's purging. Sometimes it's exercising. Sometimes all, sometimes none. it's a terrible cycle. I have just never coped healthily.
My mom picked up on my behaviors but never to the full extent. She just very passively checks in on me. She also started making me see a dietician, someone to help monitor what I eat, my weight, trying to make sure i'm eating balanced and that my health is in check. Of course I lie to the dietician about what I eat though. Why would I ever be honest with her? it's so stupid.
-
I woke up to the sound of my alarm. I groaned and rolled around in my bed. I snoozed the alarm and closed my eyes falling back to sleep.
Nothing makes me more mad than a Monday morning and having to go to school. Thankfully it's May, so only a few more weeks until school lets out.
After falling back into a snooze, I heard a knock on my door.
I whined, "GO AWAY. IM NOT GOING TODAY."
The door swung open, "Good morning Claire. Let's make it a good morning, shall we?" My mothers voice rang throughout my room as she opened my blinds.
My eyes were blinded for a moment, but I couldn't complain about the view. It was a beautiful sunny day in the city. I never get tired looking at the skyline.
"I believe the weather is 73. So you might want to wear a skirt today sweetheart." Mom walked over to me and planted a kiss on my head, "Can I trust you to get out of bed and get ready?" She asked and softly smiled running her fingers through my knotted hair.
I groaned and closed my eyes not responding.
"I think you need some incentive... this is mine until you come downstairs for breakfast in the kitchen. Dressed. Got it?" She took my phone from my bedside table.
"Mommmmm. Are you serious? I am seventeen, this is so stupid." I sprung out of bed and tried grabbing the phone from her hands.
She swiftly moved the phone away and put it in her back pocket, "Tsk tsk tsk. Get dressed, come down for breakfast. Then you'll get your phone. No complaining. I love you. Please get ready." She kissed my head and walked out of my room, closing the door before I could argue.
I rolled my eyes and took some deep breaths before getting out of bed.
I went over to my closet and grabbed a uniform out. I put on sheer tights with a red and black plaid skirt. I then put on a collared shirt with a light weight black cardigan over it. I lastly put on black flats that had little bows on them.
I brushed my hair out and put on a simple red headband, matching my uniform. I then put on simply makeup. Just some mascara and lipgloss. I didn't have the energy for a full face this morning. I quickly grabbed my book bag and went downstairs.
I ran into the kitchen and saw my mom preparing food. I also saw Holland at the dining table sipping on coffee and reading the news paper.
"I'm dressed, i'm here. Can I have my phone now?" I asked eagerly.
Mom just looked at me while she was scrambling eggs on the stove. It was her classic 'you know better than that' face.
"How about you say good morning to Holland and I... your phone is on the table beside your breakfast." She lightly laughed.
"Good morning Mom, good morning Holland!" I sprinted to the table and finally took my phone.
I instantly started looking through my phone.
My mom walked over to the table and placed plates down for her and Holland.
"Clarissa Blake. Eat." She sternly looked at me.
My eyes shot up at her, "Mom look, this looks SO GOOD, But Emmie and I were going to go get coffee before school starts, I really should go." I tried to dismiss myself.
She shook her head, "At least eat the yogurt and fruit. You like those things."
I just nodded and started eating without question, "Thank you." She said and ate her own breakfast.
"Belly, I know that you don't want to talk about this but you've got a dietician appointment today. So I need you to take the A train afterschool. We need to be in NOHO by 4:15. Alright?"
I nodded my head. She just smiled lovingly at me.
"We also need to have a discussion tonight. I'll be gone filming for a while, so it'll be just you and Holland at home..." She hesitated.
"What's to talk about?" I asked plainly while finishing up my yogurt.
"Let's just discuss this tonight. Alright Sweetheart? We just want to make sure that you've got accountability here while I am gone. You aren't in trouble or anything." She smiled.
"Okay mom" I took my plate and cleaned it off, loading it in the dishwasher.
I noticed the time on the microwave clock, "Shit I need to go." I said and hurriedly grabbed my bag.
"Hugs and kisses!" Mom said getting up from her seat. She opened her arms for me and I embraced her in a tight hug.
"I love you mommy." I said and smiled.
"I love you, i'll see you this afternoon. Be safe, tell Emmie I said hello. Make it a good day today!" She smiled and kissed my head.
I turned to Holland before I went out the door, "Goodbye Holland, love you." I really try to make an effort with Holland for my mom although it kills me sometimes.
Then I set forth for a very long and tiring day.
