Mixed emotions

Let it go (p.2)

FLASH BACK~~

Friday night.

"Why can't I deserve you??" I said while shouting and crying so hard.

"Because you deserve better than me! You're just breaking yourself for me Alice, let's end this please.."

"THEN WHY CAN'T YOU BE BETTER FOR ME?" HOW IS THIS SO EASY FOR YOU??" I can't help but shout those words,

I don't care if we're at public, it's night anyway, and this is a hidden area

"You think this is easy!? IT'S NOT! I just don't want you to suffer anymore, just leave me." He said while messing his silky hair.

"You're my strength Jackson, how am I suppose to carry on without you?.." I said thencried harder. I fell on my knees while he's there, looking at his watch.

"That's why you shouldn't depend and give your whole being to someone, Alice.. you'll end up like this. I'm sorry but I have to go, she needs me." He said, but when he turned his back from me, I pulled him by his hand, but he shooked it away.

"Enough Alice, we're--"

*FWOOSH*

"J-Jackson?"

H-HE W-WAS

"JACKSON?!"

His head started to bleed. I ran towards him and tried to wake him up.

"Jackson! Jackson please!"

He's not responding.

I saw his phone ringing with a girl's photo. I had no choice but to answer her.

"Bab-"

"HELP, HE'S BLEEDING!" I loudly said, tears started to build up from my eyes.

"WH-WHAT? WHERE IS HE??!" She sounded like crying.

I told her our location, then an ambulance quickly arrived, along with his new lover.

They examined Jackson, Mia, the lover, was crying so hard, but I cried harder when we heard he didn't make it.

Day of the funeral

All of us are wearing black. Jackson's whole family is here, even our school staffs and schoolmates. Even his neighbors, and some other people that i don't know who.

But I don't see Mia.

Jackson's body is being buried, and we're crying again. But suddenly a lady shouted while crying, looking at her phone.

Then my phone opened becayse of a notification.

It was a message from Anthony, the one who told me about Jackson and Mia.

[Anthony: MIA'S FOUND GONE IN HER HOUSE. WITH A NOTE SAYING I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU J.]

W-what

T-that's why she's not here.

END OF FLASHBACK

"Doctor it was years ago, but I still blame myself why they're gone. I'm suppose to be jailed!"

"You're right Alice, it's years ago, and they don't blame you, his family doesn't, your family doesn't, even your friends. Forgive youself too Alice, let it go." She adviced me again, for the past 3 years.

I still remember how sorrowful Jackson's funeral was. I fell down on my knees until I got home without knowing how. Then I apologized to everyone, but they didn't blamed me. They said I don't control their lives.

But I just can't let it go.

"You see, you've been telling me that story, for a lot of times. But you quite change some parts of it already."

"It means you control what you think Alice, you can, so control yourself in a good way and let what happened go. It's not easy, but at least you're surving the proccess."

I left the clinic after. I drove to the flower shop, and bought some tulips, colored with white and blue.

I went to the cemetery to visit the both of them, buried beside each other.

I just stared there until a tear dropped.

I remember the Filipino song "Makalimutan ka" by SunKissed Lola, I didn't understood it at first but my Filipino friend explained its lyrics.

"Tama ba ang kalimutan ka..

Bakit ba kay hirap magawa sayo..

Paano kung makalimutan nga kita

Kakayanin ko na rin kayang sumaya.."

I hope one day I could remember our days, Jackson, without crying because of sadness or anger..

I hope I could finally accept the fact that you love him, Mia, without feeling any bitterness

I hope I could stop feeling this guilt and negative emotions and forgive myself for suffering for so long and finally let things go

I'll do my best, because I don't want live the rest of my life like this.

I really should follow doctor Ellee's advice

"Let it go."