To Eternity and Back

Chapter 2

I feel like throwing up.

And I still have an hour left until my recital begins. I don't why I'm like this right now, I've already done this a few times. It's just a music recital, I tell myself, nothing I haven't done before. It's only for two days. I only have to play the violin today and the piano tomorrow. Nothing I haven't done before. This is nothing.

This is nothing.

... Ugh, no matter how many times I think that, the bile coming up my throat won't stop and I have to swallow it back each time, which burns my throat. Water helps make it go down easier but it's not enough to calm my nerves.

And here I was, convinced that nothing could go wrong.

I then look at my hands and notice how they're shaking violently and I think maybe it's because I'm freezing, not because I'm scared.

It's not because I'm scared.

It's not.

But then I feel my oxygen starting to get cut off and hearing myself starting to gasp for air, like I'm trying to suck it all in here before it leaves me. Not here. Not now, I think.

I close my eyes and take a shaky, deep breath before breathing out. I follow a set of rhythms as I breathe in and out again and again until my hands are not shaking as much anymore and my breath normalized again.

I'm glad my therapist showed me this small breathing practice because before, I just let myself throw up and panic. Then I would take so many pills to force my anxiety to calm down because my mother would be in the audience at my previous recitals.

...

I wonder if she's here now. Waiting for it to begin even though she said she would most likely not be here. If she did come, did she come with my father? Is she in the front, middle, or back row? Is she waiting for me to mess up like the clumsy, broken person I am? Or to finally see me prove that I'm the perfect son she always wanted?

Crap, I feel my stomach betraying me again and I'm starting to get afraid I'm actually going to see the chocolate chip pancakes I ate for breakfast again. I need to get out of here. Even for a little while, just so I can actually relax because my breathing practices aren't helping as much anymore.

I leave my big, stifling waiting room and peek backstage. I saw that the staff are too busy preparing for the concert, so I snuck out of the gorgeous and huge auditorium and out the concert hall without anyone noticing and started to walk somewhere, anywhere. Singapore is a small island so I don't think it'll be hard to find a place to calm down. Plus, the people are rich here. I doubt anything is boring and I'll be able to take my mind off things.

As I walk, I notice a huge building with many different signs around the outer walls, as if it's a mall. It looks luxurious but also crowded because I see so many cars parked all around the building and in the big parking lots that surrounded it. My curiosity got the best of me and I walked toward the building. It took me a while to get to the entrance and when I walked in, I realized that this is really is a mall which was great, because I love shopping.

Maybe I'll get something at the food court, or go window shopping since I forgot my wallet in my room and I only have $20 on me right now.

Guess I was in too much of a hurry to grab it.

I was heading off to the food court with the help of the small signs on the ceiling, before I felt my phone buzzing in my back pocket. I checked the caller id and suddenly froze, not moving a muscle even though I know I'm holding back the traffic of people.

It's my mother. Why is she suddenly calling me? She couldn't have known that I snuck out right? No, that's ridiculous. My mother would need to have me under 24/7 surveillance in order to know that. But what if she did do that? Then she knows I'm not there. She knows I'm not practicing. She knows I'm not getting ready. She knows I'm being carefree and walking around a mall instead of practicing my violin.