CAUTION: Bit of a spoiler here about Lon'Qu's past it's not a big secret but in case you missed it you've been warned.
There's nothing quite like a Feroxi Spring. The flowers have adapted to grow quickly and spring from the melting snow like little fireworks of colors no Ylissean flower has. That's the view I saw today, looking out the window of Lon'Qu and I's cabin. I yawn and sip herbal teas waiting for him to wake up, but in the corner of our wooden hideaway he hardly stirred. The sun rose higher and kissed his cheek, but it only made him growl and turn to face the wall.
"Lon'Qu?" I asked, "Are you alright? It's almost lunch and you're still in bed. I was hoping we might picnic while it's nice out."
he curled up more and pulled the blanket over himself.
"Are you sick?"
no answer.
"Are you dead?!"
I put a hand on his side, and he didn't even flinch.
"Just... leave me alone... please?"
Finally, but...
"What's wrong Lon'Qu? Are you hiding battle wounds from me again?"
"It's nothing like that," He sighs, "It's this spring... I hate spring."
Hates spring? How could anyone hate spring? Especially such a beautiful one.
"How could anyone hate spring?!"
"I just... do okay? No going outside today. And no picnics!" He curls into a tighter ball.
It's moments like these that remind me how fragile he is. I can tell him anything in battle and he'll do it without hesitation, but when the fighting ends and he's alone with his thoughts, then you see the real emotion beneath. I sat on my knees next to him and brushed his hair.
"You can tell me. I'm you wife aren't I? If we can't share secrets what's the point?"
The comforting feeling of my hands untense him. He stops curling himself into a ball and crawls closer to me, his head in my lap.
"It's nothing... really I'm fine... just a.... nightmare." He never spoke about nightmares before, he never even spoke about dreams. This peaks my interest; what dream could keep a proud warrior like my husband down?
"Can we talk about it?"
"Never." He clenched his teeth together. "This is my pain, not yours." He curls back into a ball.
"Don't make me guess," I say threateningly, "It's going to be all the harder to explain if I guess it."
Not a move. Time to dig deep. It had to be something traumatic, something bigger than shellshock even. I doubt it has anything to do with war in fact, that's all second nature to him. Always being my guardian and never failing to save-... oh no.
"Lon'Qu? Does this have to do with her? With Ke'ri?" a cold feeling shivers down his spine. I knew it, how could I be so blind?
"Was it during spring? A day like this?"
He toss the blankets down and sits up cross-legged in the bed, just staring at me in anguish.
"It was. Ke'ri and I planned a dinner together where we'd pick flowers and watch the sunset. It was a perfect spring day for young love... she didn't know it, but I packed more than food that day." He reached around his neck and pulled a brown string from his chest. On the end was a ring, not gold or platinum, or even smooth. It looked as if it was fashioned by hand with scrapmetal, but it was what it meant that counts, and it meant love. He holds it in his hands and rubs his thumbs on the rough outside. "I was going to give it to her... surrounded in flowers in the shade of blooming cherries... but those bandits came..." he clenched the ring in his fist and turned red with anger. "I beat them as hard as I could and fought them all one by one, until they hit me all at once and I fell. A fat one got on top me and the others ransacked our sanctuary. They tore my clothes off and stole them and searched through Ke'ri's purse for valuables... Ke'ri found a rock and hit one on the head, he turned to her and rushed forward... I screamed and begged him not to hurt her, but he pounced on her and beat her with the same stone... I heard it! I saw it! I had to watched as they crushed her skull and she yelled for me! They all laughed as they took her life and I squirmed unable to stop them! I still see it! It still visits my dreams like a ghost telling me that I was too weak! I'm still too weak! I-I hate spring!" by now tears were running down her face and he shook like a cat in the rain. His breathes were winded snarls choked by wet tears.
I couldn't help but cry too and reach to hold him closer. I rested his head on my heart hoping to calm him. His anger subsided completely and gave way to sad long sobs. I know how it feels to have emotions well up in you like this, feeling it overflow like a dam, and break sending a tidal wave. When that happens, you just need a long hug and a warm heartbeat. It was all I could do for him now...
"Lon'Qu, I love you." I said, doing my best to keep calm. "I love you too.... I'm sorry... I shouldn't be showing weakness like this. I need to be strong for you." "No you don't." I said quickly, "Don't be strong for me and me alone be strong for you. I want you to be strong for yourself before being strong for me. Does that make sense?" He looked up and stared with a cowered look in his eyes. He rested a hardened long hand on my cheek, and nodded. "I understand... I'll try to do that... I promise I will try.... I just don't know how."
You will Lon'qu. You will. Just don't give up on yourself.
