"Mom, can I ask you something?" My son Morgan asked. His head hung low and his brown hair covered his boyish features. It was not my tactician instincts kicking in, but my motherly ones. "What is it Morgan?" "Well... It's just, I know you lost your memory too but you seem to remember emotions. I'm happy most of the time but... I can't remember what sad feels like. What does it feel like...? when you're sad?"
I never put much thought into it before, how can I even describe it? Ironically, Morgan looked crestfallen as he asked, it crossed my mind to snidely say "It's written on your face" but I know that's not what a mother should really do. "How does it feel to be sad? Hmmm. It feels like, oh I can hardly explain it." He looked up stirred by me being as confused as he did, then I could tell from his face that a small spark went off in his head. "Well, what does it feel like for you?" For me? Now, that question is not hard to answer just... Sensitive. "It feels like, like I feel myself slowing down... My heart slows and my mind stops and I freeze in the moment... I feel so overwhelmed that I hope this mad world running around me would stop as well, that I could please just stay in one point and collect myself, or even that my heart finally grinds to a halt... but I know no matter how long I feel frozen, the world never stops for me... It goes even faster.. Your father is lucky. He has freezing in the moment down to an art. Have you seen him spar? The way his body stiffens before a fight for a split second as his brain works a million thoughts a second. He pinpoints the most perfect way of settling it and puts it right into action. I don't know how he does it-" "It's simple." My hair stands up and I turn around to see Lon Qu's face shadowed by the sun, "I spent my entire life wishing the world would freeze and I would have years to contemplate my decisions, but I was never given that luxury. What you are seeing is hardly skill or luck, it is what I learned from years of sorrow; when my heart sinks, I drain myself of my last glimmers of joy and hope. Then I burn my sorrow into swift unshackled anger." I was speechless. I never knew it was sorrow staying his blade. I thought it was his years of training... I rarely find myself wrong, but about my husband... I always feel like I'm guessing.
"Ohh I see" Morgan interjects, with a curious look on his face. "That sounds really powerful. Should I do that father?" "No!" my cold swordsman held his hands high with a face of almost fear. "You don't want that! not.. not by sadness. I use my heartache as a weapon for violence. I use it to be a beast, but not a warrior. I will never be a warrior if I continue to take strength from sorrow." Our son looked only more puzzled, "Then what am I supposed to use my sadness for?" Lon'Qu smirked, "You are your mother's son aren't you? I think you know from here. Use your sadness to create solutions. Not anger. You are a tactician by birth that much is clear.." "I-I am? Really?" Lon' Qu nods, but Morgan's head hangs low. "What if... what if I don't want that?"
We both glared at little Morgan between us, not with disdain but surprise. "What's that supposed to mean?" We both questioned. Morgan stumbled slightly but then stood firm. "Mom I'm sorry but, I don't think I want to be a Tactician anymore. When my memory was lost, all I could think of was you. All I knew was you and everything I wanted to be was you.. but now that I know dad, I've seen what a great warrior he is and what a complex story his life is... I want to be a warrior mother. I want to be like you still, but I want to be like dad too. Will you let me?" I didn't mean to, but a sigh of relief came out when he said that (at least he won't idolize everything I do anymore) "Yes of course Morgan. I can't stop you from growing yourself. I'd be glad if you did." Oops, did not mean to say glad out loud. Morgan didn't seem to notice. He was giddy bouncing on his heels "Really?! A-alright! Dad! Dad! Teach me to be a warrior." Lon'Qu smiled. "Then get my training swords. We'll start today."
We watched our short son practice lunges and chops through to the afternoon. I was wrapped around Lon'Qu's arm and sighed contently. "What you said before about your sadness as a wapon" I sprung, "Is it true?" The quiet man nodded. "But I've slowed recently" He said, leaning back fully on the grass. "Why?" I just had to ask. "Simple." he held me closer "Since I met you, more and more of my sorrow gives way to happiness. It does not always feel good to me as a fighter... but it feels liberating as a person."
We both laid on the grass and sighed a happy sigh.
