|| bts story plots ||

so...it's been four years.

Hey everyone!

So I happened to look through my tumblr notifications and saw that someone who knew me from Wattpad sent me a lovely message. That message was from two years ago. If you're reading this, thank you and I'm so sorry.

I found this account and saw that this book has 11k reads?? What in the heavens????? I know that in this day and age 11k views is but a smidge, but as someone who has never had a big social media following that number is truly wild to me. Thank you to all who took an interest to my plot ideas. Whether or not you wrote something based on one of them, it still means a lot to this lowly washed up writer.

I really don't think anyone would be waiting for an update to a plot book. However, I wanted to write one last update before i close it. Much has changed since the last chapter. Writing this now as an adult,  I hope that what I say here can help someone who's going through something similar.

I made this book in 2018 and last updated it in 2020. During those two years I remember struggling with life quite a bit, hence I probably daydreamed my heart away and buried myself in fanfiction to escape. It was such an unhealthy coping mechanism, yet it was the best one I could find to keep myself alive. I still struggle with the consequences of it. I have to avoid reading fanction and imagines, and prevent myself from getting too emotionally attached to any characters or celebrities. If I do, my mental health will start to deteriorate to the point that it affects my daily functioning. It took a long time for me to dig myself out of that hole, and I never want to risk falling down it again.

Thus, I found that stan culture no longer served me. I realised that it gave short intense bursts of happiness, followed by the lowest of lows. I stopped because I just couldn't bring myself to center my interests and community around people that will never know me. Back in 2018, I completely avoided the thought that I would never be able to meet BTS. It felt like the realisation of my own reality would utterly destroy me. I was so young. It breaks my heart that I hated my life so much that I'd rather live in delusion.

As you can probably tell, I stopped being an ARMY years ago. I still keep updated the way I do with other celebrities, but I don't actively seek out what they're up to or participate in the community.

As of now, I'm probably the most boring person every but I'm the happiest I've ever been. Therapy and growing up played a big role in the level of understanding I have towards my emotions and thoughts. I now also understand the difference between happiness and joy. Back then, I saw those intense bursts of serotonin from reading fanfiction as a source of happiness that would help me get through the lows, though it never truly did. Now, I have this joy in my heart that comes from the love I give and receive from people around me, and it sustains me through every struggle I face. I bounce back up so quickly and I cannot help but be happy. It's so freeing to know that my joy is real and that it comes from reality, not delusion. It has made me more present in my own life and helped me to find people that truly love and care for me. I'm so grateful for my life. I can't believe what I would have missed out on if I was no longer around.

If you also use fanfiction as a coping mechanism, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up. You're doing your best to survive. But in the midst of keeping yourself afloat, never lose track of what true joy is. You'll get there one day. You'll find your own path, freedom and people, as long as you stay true to yourself. I know it feels impossible, it felt impossible for me too. But you will get there. 

To whoever is reading this, I'm so thankful that you were born and that you are alive today. I'm so thankful that you are where you are, that you light up the lives of the people around you. You are a such a strong and gorgeous soul. You are not your pain or your suffering. You are exactly as you are meant to be.

Signing off - amanda. <3

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suicide hotlines: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/suicide/suicide-prevention-hotlines-resources-worldwide

Malaysia: Befrienders KL

Phone: 03-76272929