Merry Sister Mary: Three Can Keep A Secret

3: Sister Mary, No Ifs, Ands, or Butts

I stood in the mirror and poked out my butt. I learned that if I walked with a certain gait and my lower back curled, my plump butt showed plumper in my tragically over-sized habit. Not that a nun should be showing off her body, modesty was our pledge, but when God gives you something wonderful, it would be a sin to hide it. As such, the good lord in all his grand creations gave me a beautiful butt, large and in charge; heaven only knows how I did not fall backwards as I walked. Be it nothing less than a miracle.

Tonight I was having a date with a married man, and I needed to look my best. Goodness. I see how that can be very misinterpreted, a nun on a romantic date to the theater with a married man. Yeah, eat it up, it was all true. Or at least, allow me to live the illusion of naughtiness. There was to be no romantic affair, no thrilling nun on police officer action, just a simple date between friends with suspicion for a murderous time.

"Let me guess," came a harsh voice from my open bedroom door, "it's lipstick next."

I twisted to see Mother Ariel standing cross-armed. Her imposing figure filled the doorframe. A smile formed on my face as I responded.

"Now that you mention it, I think a maroon shade would accentuate the penguin couture we nuns exemplify. Your thoughts?"

Mother Ariel sighed and gripped her forehead.

"Your wittiness and ability to quickly turn a phrase will always be a talent of yours, Mary. Sometimes I doubt my own doubts with you." Mother Ariel looked up. "May I enter?"

I nodded. "Your long nose is already halfway in."

Mother Ariel entered. She cupped her hands and looked about at my simplistic decor. A single crucifix and a picture of Pope John Paul II were the only art decorating my walls. A small skylight window above my bed allowed a single beam of sun to filter into the room.

"I know I can't stop you from living your life and we encourage you to take up a hobby," said Mother Ariel as she stopped by the bed, "but please remember that you represent these nuns and the church. Every word you say, every action you take has an effect on all of us. Tomorrow you meet with the Ursuline nuns about that job. I want you to find some enjoyment in it. And who knows, it might teach you something about yourself you never knew."

"If I knew anymore about myself, I'd be quite annoyed with myself."

"How do you think we all feel," said Mother Ariel. A glint of a smile stretched the side of her lips and up to her glasses. I chuckled.

"I think some of my wittiness is rubbing off on you," I said, fixing my cowl.

"More like your superior sarcasm." Mother Ariel turned away. "I don't agree with you attending this performance, nor do I care to know how you managed tickets for two. Yet, I am relieved Sergeant Leblanc will be there to assure you stay in line."

"He's off duty tonight."

"Regardless, Mary, no front page headlines this time."

"Well, I can't help it if the camera loves me."

"Mary, I'm serious." Mother Ariel ran her hand along my writing desk. "That last mystery might have helped better our living situation here, but the diocese had a lot to say."

"A bunch of old unmarried celibate men making judgments on women, tells a lot about our religious society. If I had been born a man, perhaps this issue could have been rewarded rather than punished."

"I understand your frustrations, but we are women in a male dominated world."

"And Mary Magdalene was a whore and yet Jesus respected her, treated her as an equal. I say those men need a good fuck."