You Weren't Supposed To See Me Like This

Great Hall & Dazai

Winter break will be soon. Ugh.

Today was another day like any other. People avoiding Dazai alike one would avoid death in its embodiment. Nothing unusual. Though, the exhaustion was sinking deeper and deeper into his frail bones each day. Today was extremely draining already, Dazai yawned.

It was early morning, only about about a quarter of the professors were at the table having breakfast. Thank God Lockhart fell ill from 'battling this demon' every lesson. Snape was also there, looking like he just chugged a jug of coffee.

Oh how he was jealous of his professor right now. A coffee would really help.

Dazai as usual, sat at the very edge of the Slytherin table. Folded arms over the table and nuzzling his face into them like the softest pillow.

He was feeling cranky, no, Dazai doesn't do feelings.

He was feeling nothing.

He craned his neck to the side at the  small creak of a seat beside him. Blaise!

Dazai beamed in his direction, Blaise sighed and asked,"How do you have the energy to smile like there's no tomorrow every morning? Even after all the taunt you recieve."

Dazai didn't know why at this point, it's not a habit, nor a hobby.

It's something he had to do, if all of a sudden, he started acting like he usually would with people like Mori. It would be too much of a change, people will start asking him if he's okay.

He embraces his wrist with his right hand. The index and thumb were touching from either side of his bony wrist.

Dazai didn't want that, if you pity yourself, your agony only becomes worse.

So he didn't need any pity from others as well, it'll only make him weaker. After all, he would soon become an executive (maybe) when his father dies. Ugh, even thinking about that man sent shivers down Dazai's spine. This was stupid.

"Dazai?" Blaise clicked his fingers by Dazai's ear. Osamu hummed in acknowledged,"You wanted something Blaise?"

Shit

To be honest, it's funny how one could get carried away from simple thoughts of drinking coffee to one of their worst traumas. Or is it only Dazai? He quickly wiped the thought away when Blaise started talking again.

"Your food will get cold."

He glanced down at his now plate with a piece of buttered toast.

Osamu will never get why Blaise cared so much about him eating, it's just a few meals, not a big deal. Right?

Dazai nibbled off a few crumbs of the toast.

He was nauseous.

If not quite much to feel it before, he definitely felt it now.

Oddly, Dazai ate in silence, his mind was empty, just human instinct of preservation. Actually consuming food in not miniscule amounts.

He finished his toast rather slowly, though most of it, only leaving out the unsavory, dry edges.

He realised that he was breathing rather deep, he was sure it was visible on the outside. Weirdly enough, he was so anxious right now. Dazai didn't even notice all the people already in the great hall.

Blaise looked out for Dazai from the corner of his eye.

At the moment though, nothing felt real for him, the clothes stiff against his figure. Him getting more and more anxiety from the mere glance at the people around.

His pupils were slightly widened, he couldn't breath.

That settled more panic than before. The feeling of his heart pounding against his rib felt sickly, no, he didn't acknowledge it yet.

He looked up from the plate now full of crumbs, to his hands on his lap.

He was warm, no scorching hot but, at the same time freezing cold. All the voices around him were muffled out, like a blurry sketch of an unreal world.

At the same time, he was overly aware of his surroundings but as well, he couldn't properly acknowledge it. His mind was empty, the voice in his head (His inner dialogue) was a tempting echo Dazai himself couldn't reach.

His ears were warm, his heart was pounding, the deep breathing only helped in getting him more self conscious about the disgusted glances everyone sent the demon student. No one even noticed his on going panic attack.

Dazai was yet to realise the slight trembling in his hands, his right was slightly more shaky.

Maybe the hatred of his peers was really getting to him? Or the lack of actual consumption of food before this? Or the trauma he was yet to let out?

It came out of nowhere, so why?

Osamu shut his eyes tight, but quickly his hold of the muscle got weak and he had to forcefully shove his eyeballs back into his head with the balls of his palms.

He was yet to let out a breath.

This was embarrassing.

Soon, he looked up. Noticing the concerned stares of Blaise and the subtle glances of Draco.

He tries to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies, he tries to laugh about it, covering the tears in his eyes.

But he couldn't.

His smile was slightly rigid at the edges.

His leg bouncing slightly off the floor unknowingly from the stress.

Oh how much he wanted to get away from all of this, how much he just wanted, needed, to take a dangerous amount of sleeping pills and down it with the sweet medicine in Mori's cabinet.

Pass out on the gangs room couch he slept in, and never wake up.

Blaise noticed how Dazai consistently and aggressively dug his nails into the crook between his thumb and index finger.

"I - I can I go?"

"Pardon? To where Dazai?"

"Don't kn- gang room."