My Dear Vada

Part One

Vada

"Do you believe you're a good person?"
    
A question asked in the current book i'm reading about finding the inner workings of yourself. Really, what traits really makes a person good? Is it their sociability. . . maybe how they express their emotions. . . having empathy. . . generosity? I truly don't understand. Would I fall under this category. . .?

— Yes.

I may be getting ahead of myself but I do believe to be each of these, ask anyone. I've perfected myself, I am the perfect person. I know exactly what to say, what to give, how to smile, how to speak. I rarely feel anger and know how to process my emotions. People look up to me and i am proud of that. For these exact reasons my answer will always and ceaselessly be yes.

If you have answered yes to this question—

I shut the book.

—Why would I need to finish something I already know the answer too?

. . .

Let me introduce myself: My name is Vada Eldred; I am seventeen and a senior in high school. If I were to describe myself in one word I would say simple. I wouldn't really say i'm driven or have passions and dreams. In fact one of the main questions a person asks you when you're young is:

"what do you want to be when you grow up."

I've always heard set answers from my peers that sound like a fitting and achievable goal. But I do wonder how one has set futuristic ideals for themself. How does something such as a job motivate a person and bring so much passion to their life?

I don't think i've ever felt a passion for anything. I mean of course I have future goals but none of them really give me that drive to complete them. All of the goals I have are kind of set so I just don't become a "loser". I'll go to college, but what's after that? There's no type of major that really excites me. I'll probably just find something along the way while I study that  seems the most comfortable. I'm so tired of answering questions with "well i'm not too sure yet," and "i'm still discovering what i'm interested in."

To be honest, i'm not really interested in anything. I don't see my lack of passion as a weakness or pitiful. It's just who I am and i've accepted that fact.

. . .

I am in the midst of a six month long relationship with a boy of the same age named Madin Adams. We met through a group project that we were assigned to in our shared advanced history class. At the end of the project asked me out and showed me around his favorite book and record stores.

Of course he showed interest first, I just went along. I mean he is attractive and I have a thing for nice faces. Madin's really not a bad guy either, he's more of the submissive type and is pretty quiet. A little boring and nothing too special.

I don't think i've ever actually liked him though, in a romantic way I mean. Not when he kissed me, held my hand, listened to me spew about my parents, or even comforted me as I cried. It's not his fault. I think that maybe with time i'll come to experience it with him— hopefully.

Lately our days have consisted of us sitting together in quiet places and reading. If i'm being honest i've never been the type to sit down and open up a book. In fact I don't believe i've actually ever even finished one on my own. I usually only have ever gotten a few chapters in. Madin knows this so he always brings me something new from his collection each time he sees me. I really don't enjoy it but i suppose it's one of my duties as his girlfriend.

One thing I can appreciate is how he never asks too much of me. For example if I were to say no to seeing him or stopped to respond to his messages he never holds it against me. Actually, he never says anything. We just go back to normal, as if nothing even happened. One time I didn't respond or even look at him for two weeks just to see how he'd react. When I did finally message him I was met with a "how have you been," and "When do you want to see each other." I really don't mind it all that much, in fact I don't really think about it.

Just the other day I was with Madin and I asked him why he's in love with me. He said that he liked the way I looked at the world and how i'm not afraid of people—

"I'm in love with way you look at everyone and the world fearlessly. You're not scared of things like me. You can stare into the eyes of another without looking away. You're bold. You're everything I am not. I feel like when i'm with you I can try and learn to have the same unwavering and powerful energy."

I was surprised by his response. I never knew that anyone thought of me in that way. How many others see me like this? I find interest in how the world views me. Do others feel the same? His answered made me realize that maybe his quietness is just him analyzing everyone around him. He constantly watches others but how does he view himself? He said that he wish he could be more like me. I understand why but how does he think so lowly of himself? Why does he want to change?

—

Hii! Thank you for reading! Sorry this chapters so short i'll try to do better in the next few chapters :)