Hope I Never Lose You

nine

A whirl of chaos woke me a few hours later. Heavy footsteps and people shouting, the whine of a machine. I blinked, disoriented as I looked around in the room, which was suddenly bathed in light. There were people everyone, calling out to each other.

"Get me the de-fib! He's crashing!"

"What?" I scrambled to my feet.

"Taylor." Bella was suddenly there, grabbing my arm as she tried to pull me towards the door. "You shouldn't see this."

"No, no what's wrong? What's going on?" I was frantic, fighting to stay in the room as a few people surrounded Travis', their hands a blur as they rushed around.

"Taylor, please." Bella pleaded with me. "You can't be in here." She pulled me from the room, and even though I hated to let her, she knew better. I let her lead me out into the hallway. 

"What happened?" I was still reeling from the sudden shift to consciousness. "Is he going to be okay? Please don't let anything happen to him!" I grabbed Bella's hands tightly. "I know he's still in there! I know he's trying to come back to me! He has to! He has to!" I sobbed.

"Okay, it's okay, breathe. Just breathe." Bella hugged me tightly. We'd grown close over the time I'd spent in the hospital; she was honest with me. "We don't know. He just changed so suddenly, and someone hit code blue."

"Code blue." I repeated, sobbing harder. No, no, no. Not Travis. No, no, no, no. Please. Not him.

"Shh, it's okay. They're doing everything they can for him." Bella reassured me. "He's a fighter, you know that. He loves you, and I'll bet he's trying his damn best to get back to you."

I nodded, slumping against her as she hugged me tightly. I cried against her shoulder as I heard the sound of machines and shouting voices inside Travis' room, trying to tune it out while also listening. He couldn't leave me. I couldn't stand it if he did. What would I do with my life? I'd wanted nothing more than to spend forever with him, and the threat of it all being taken away was hanging heavy over my head. 

And then someone was coming out of the room, and I lifted my head, tears streaking my cheeks. The doctor looked at me, looked at Bella, and I could just tell. I didn't even have to wait for the shake of his head.

My world crumbled.

"No!" Bella rushed past him, back into the room.

"No." I whispered, my heart shattering into a million pieces. No, he couldn't be gone.

He'd promised he'd never leave me. He'd never broken a promise. Travis and I were supposed to live together, die together like Romeo and Juliet. Not this. Please, please let this all be an awful dream. I wanted to wake up.

But this was reality, and it was a fucking bitch slap in the face.

"I'm so, so sorry Mrs Kelce." The doctor said quietly. "We did all we could."

Ice flooded through my body until I couldn't feel myself anymore, tears streaking down my face like little rivers. Uncontrollable. A keening wail erupted from between my lips and I pressed a hand to my mouth, squeezing my eyes shut as I fell back against the nearest wall. I'd fall over if I didn't. My heart was broken, dashed to pieces, crushed into nothing. My other hand clutched my chest as I slowly slid down onto the ground, pain rushing through me like I was dying. I felt like I was dying.

How could I live like this? How could I live with no heart? He'd taken it with him. I'd never get it back. 

"Take my hand, take my whole life, too. For I can't help falling in love with you."

Our song, the one that had been playing over the car radio when he'd dropped me off after our first date. The first time he'd kissed me. It played in my head as I remembered all those times Travis had sung it to me. On every anniversary, every birthday, every special occasion. On our wedding, after everyone had left and it had just been the two of us. We'd stayed back to have our last dance, and since the DJ was gone, we'd sung that song and danced to it over and over. It was our special song, just for us.

"I'm so unbelievably in love with you Taylor, is that too soon to say?"

The way he'd been so nervous to tell me that he loved me after a few months. I'd been overjoyed and had laughed at him before throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him. I'd told that of course it wasn't too soon, that I loved him too. Nothing ever compared to the look on his face every time he told me he loved me. I'd never see that look again.

"There's no one in this world I would rather ask to spend forever with me. You're the love of my life, you have no idea how much I adore you. Baby, my Taylor, my girl, god I love you. You're extraordinary, and I hope you know that. Will you marry me?"

I pressed my lips to the two delicate rings on my left hand, squeezing my hands into fists so tightly that it hurt. My heart was so broken, so, so broken. 

How would I stand to live with myself?

"We were going out to pick up some takeaways from the same place. He wanted to surprise you."

I'd done this, I was the reason this had happened. Jason had told me himself that the reason Travis had been on the road at that very moment was because he'd been getting something to surprise me.

"Oh god!" Sobs ripped me apart. I'd done this. No, no, no, I'd done this. I'd done this to him.

Every facet of my whole life was destroyed. There was nothing I could do to make this any better, not now, not ever. I had to live with the fact that I had been the reason behind Travis not making it. I was the reason he was dead.

My fault.