Before the Glitter: 1971

A Clash of Glitter, Corduroy and Fine Tuning

July 27

I couldn't sleep that night at all. I laid there awake with my head racing and several parts of me throbbing. I couldn't control my own thoughts and even worse, I didn't know what this feeling was. Well, I knew what that feeling was and it wasn't anything that couldn't be solved in the shower. But I laid there in my perfectly manicured bed, gazing at my smooth ceiling as the city light filtered in through the top of my blinds. I twiddled at my thumbs and even my heart beating couldn't distract my mind. Finally, I threw the covers aside and reached for a cigarette, replaying the nights events in my head. Part of me actually wondered if what I had done was too much and then I became angry at myself for questioning it. Why in gods name was I questionin' that!? It had didn't matter. It was just another guy and he was absolutely not fine-tuned the way Sebastian was and...well...let's just say that I wasn't passin' out any prizes for the size portion of the pageant. But, if he would just...slow down a little, be a little more forceful...maybe....oh dammit! What was I thinking!? Why!? WHY did it even fucking matter!? I didn't give a shit. Whatever. I did not give two shits about it. I was finishin' this cigarette and going the fuck to sleep! I huffed irritated and looked at the clock: 4:13. Damn it! I had been up for four hours! I had been thinking about this stupid ass shit for four damn hours! It didn't matter. It was just sex and it always would be. I didn't care...yet my stupid mind wouldn't stop reminding me of that beautiful smile and those words: "shit...you're tight as hell". Idiot. Did he honestly think that something that barely measured in at...no! NO, NO, NO, NO! I was done thinking about this. I was getting out of this bed and shaking the broke, idiot I fucked out of my mind.

I did not need him. I needed Sebastian, a man who had money, an impending career, a future, a Mazarati and....and absolutely none of the innocence, uninvited kindness, painful honesty or actual zeal for life that Roger had. Roger didn't care about anything except his friends, his cigarettes, that stupid drumset, American Western films that he couldn't afford to go see, alcohol, sex, and...and everything that he aspired for. He had all these...these crazy dreams that...that I honestly didn't think would ever work out for him. He was going to end up a biology student dropout without a job and seven illegitimate children to support. But I didn't have the heart to tell him that all these fantastical plans would likely be nothing more than fantastical plans. Unlike Sebastian, Roger was passionate...about everything. Sebastian didn't have that same kind of passion. Sure he was driven and focused but he didn't have the wild abandonment. He lacked desire to take risks. My god, so far what I knew of Roger all he did was take risks. I sighed and lit my cigarette knowing that this was the only thing that would calm me down, quiet my mind, and get me to sleep.

"It's about time you get here!" An impatient Freddie scolded Brian for keeping him waiting.

"I'm sorry. I was grading some papers and I just lost track of time. I looked up and it was nearly 1:20." Brian explained, sitting his briefcase beside the table as Freddie looked at him with that reprimanding look. "Guess what? I got in. I was accepted into the program for which I applied. I got the acceptance letter a little while back. Can you believe it? I'm movin' in September." Brian said excitedly. Freddie listened to him, not saying anything and now watching him across the table. "Freddie?" he asked, waiting for a reaction.

"Well!" he said raising his eyebrows. "I have some news, Brian." He began, smiling at him. He didn't exactly acknowledge Brian's announcement. "The bar has chosen to book us every weekend. They like the crowd we've been drawing. Look! I have the agreement from the manager! It's okay, I've already signed it on our behalf!" Freddie said, thrusting the informal contract into Brian's face. Now, it was Brian that was without words. He had already committed to move closer to the University in two months. He had already accepted the full-time adjunct position and turned in a thesis statement for board approval so that he could proceed to select a thesis committee. Granted, he would only be moving to central London. It wasn't as if the bar was a far trip. The problem, was that he had committed to quite an academic obligation.