Piece of Thorn

prologue

"Please just for the sake of my peace, did you ever love me, Leon?" Panimula ko after he caught me listening on his phone call with someone I will never forget, someone who he valued more than his life and anyone in this world. It wasn't me.

" You heard everything." It wasn't a question but a statement.

" Ang tanong ko ang sagutin mo, fucking answer me—" I crossed my hand, I forcingly keep the tears shouting to come out on my eyes just to show that I am strong that I don't get swayed with my emotions but damn it's hard.

Masakit pala pagsinampal ka nang Isang katotohang pilit mong iniiwasan, alam ko na Dito hahantong ang lahat pero pinilit ko pa din with a thinking na 'baka magwork' maybe he's just in process of the fucking 'moving on'. Na maybe one day he would realize how much I love him and maybe at that time he's ready to give it back. Pero Mali pala, maling ipilit ang ayaw talaga. Ang sakit.

Lumapit s'ya sa 'kin ng bahagya at tangkang hahawakan ang kamay ko pero mabilis ko itong iniwas, it feels like his touch were really not meant for me.

" Ranaia.." tumingin Ako ng diretso sa mga mata nya at this time I lose my capability to control my tears. It fell down

" Leon cut the chase! Is my question that hard for you?" I move backward and start to make gestures that are no longer recognize by my senses.

" I did love you Ranaia, believe me it's my heart it was me who felt it I have control on it but—" he was taken aback and I saw his hesitation to his eyes.

Pa-peke akong tumawa, "—you love her more right? S'ya at s'ya pa 'rin 'di ba?"I continue his words and was only able to avoid his eyes after at napayuko na lang din Ako the very moment I heard the word 'but'

I already predicted his answer no scratch it, I am very much aware of it yet tinanong ko pa, it's like I choose the kind of knife para isaksak sa sarili ko.

" I am sor—" he bit his lips, I can see he really mean his words

" Don't, just please don't say it!"

Parang tinutusok ng karayom yung dibdib ko ngayon, karayom na Ako mismo ang pumili, karayom na Ako rin ang nagtarak sa 'kin. Just right after he apologize to me, I knew, I lost it. Nagpatuloy sa pag-agos ang mga luha ko pero walang tunog ang dapat ay mga hikbing kasama nito, I was only staring at him.

I continue my words " Sorry?! Sorry, bakit ka nag-sosorry! Bakit ka humihingi ng tawad! Bakit! Damn! Leon, Linawin mo, make it clear, kasi di lang Ako bulag! 'tanga' pa 'ko." Madiin kong binanggit yung salitang tanga habang nakakuyom ang aking mga kamay at gustong gustong sampalin siya, patuloy na umaagos ang luha ko kasabay nito. It can't help.

He move his mouth nothing's coming out from it as if he has answer but can't spill it in my face. " Mahal mo pa rin siya 'di ba? No— never naman kasing nawala. Syempre si Celine 'yon eh, she's the epitome of beauty, she's so good in everything she's perfect, she's kind even to me. S'ya yun eh, you love her very much that you can use other just to move on! Para lang malimutan mo s'ya 'di ba!? greatest love mo s'ya eh Anong laban ko 'don? Alam mo Yung feeling na Ako yung nasa harap mo, Ako yung Kasama mo, pero deep within you, you're  asking na sana s'ya Yung nasa position ko!" I couldn't control my words, everything I have said were all seems been settled from the begin with that it's just waiting for its right time to come out.

He only stared at me.

" You love her, then why allow me to kiss you? You love her yet you let thing happened to us! You love her pero why did you make me feel na parang napalitan ko na s'ya jan sa puso mo, why did you make me feel na parang Ako na Yung mahal mo! Bakit pinabayaan mo 'kong mahulog Sayo, bakit Leon Bakit!?" I throw punch on his chest habang Ako ay unti unting nadudurog sa harap nya he clearly see how fragile I am.

Tangka s'yang magsasalita pero pinigilan ko s'ya.

" Yeah I get! You're sorry right? You are sorry kasi everything happened between us were all meant to be hers. You are sorry kasi di mo sadyang gawin sa 'kin 'yon because in the first place it wasn't really for me but for Celine your beloved, the most precious person to you right?!"

"—I am sorry, I really do Rana." It's the only thing I heard from him, meaning he really don't mean everything to us.

" Is that so? Hahaha" tumawa Ako nang pagkalakas lakas na parang walang humpay kasabay ng pabagsak ng mas mabibigat na luha sa 'kin, he didn't do anything he just watching me since I keep avoiding any contact with him.

I laugh so hard with a thinking that maybe it can shoo the pain away, that maybe I can deceive my mind for a seconds to think na Masaya Ako but I was wrong for that. It didn't help but get me place in the worst place instead.

" —kung mahal mo s'ya bakit ka lumapit sa 'kin? You're aware na gusto kita noon pa eh, since we we're young alam mo na 'yon eh! Nung naging kayo ni Celine tinaggap ko na na kailanman you can't see mee the way you see her kasi hindi Ako s'ya. I already in peace na, pero you got into the picture! You act as if you want me too, bakit ganoon?! Hindi kita pinilit! I– didn't ask you to be with me, na i-treat mo 'ko ng ganto 'di ba? Kung mahal mo siya bakit dinamay mo 'ko! Why do I need to involve with this?! Leon, bakit Ako pa! Why do I need to be your fucking 'rebound' bakit please answer me!"

"—Ranaia believe me I didn't mean it, you're not my rebound." Finally I slap him.

" Fuck you! You didn't mean what? You didn't mean what you did? No, you mean it gi-nusto mo 'yon because you misses her you feel like I was her, you like the feeling I give you, you sees me as here. You never look me bilang Ako, si Celine lagi ang nasa isip mo. From the kisses, hugs and even when we made love—ohh maybe it's just a sex for you since you didn't love me pala. Tama Ako 'di ba? I am not your rebound kamo then what the fuck am I! Anong position ko sa puso mo? Saan yung Lugar ko 'don?" I covered my eyes with my palm to at least hide my emotions Kasi ang sakit sakit na eh, di ko na kaya. Pero what can I do, Wala I am cornered.

I allow him to do those kahit ramdam ko g may Mali, I allow him to claim me. Pumayag Ako eh. Mali ko. Mali ko. It was my fault.

" Ranaia, minahal kita."

" Minahal? No— you've never! You've never wag Kang magpatawa, you never see me as a woman who damn fucking love you to the point that she can turn blind eye with the thoughts of his man being unable to unlove his ex! Kahit Meron nang Tayo siya pa 'rin Yung mahal mo. Mas mahal mo yung memorya n'yong dalawa na nakikita mo tuwing Kasama mo ko. Kaya ka nag stay sa 'kin Kasi you think of me as Celine, 'yon ang totoo. Tangina, be direct Dion."

"Ano 'yon minahal mo ko habang inlove ka sa kanya something na never namang nawala Sayo? Even in your sleep you call her name! When we did the deed, did you still remember the very first thing you said?"

"You said, ' Sorry '." Another drop of tears fell down.

" Now I figured it out, you're sorry because what will about to happen between us that time weren't your intention. Hindi mo gusto, at never mo gugustuhin. See I am bright, didn't I?" Huminga Ako ng malalim at pinunasan ang aking mga luha sa harap n'ya.

" Fine, feel free go now Dion. Chase after her. I am now setting you free my love." And I walked routing to our room so I can silently burst out without him seeing me.

Before I get in this situation, galing Ako sa hospital to get check maybe I caught sick since I oftentimes found my self feeling nauseous at madalas na kong mahilo. I was worried since my mom died because of breast cancer I was afraid to have it too, I want to spend more time with Leon. Turns out I am 4 weeks pregnant.

Seems like I'll be raising my little one alone.