I need some love

Rant cuz I fucking hate life

I want to die sometimes. Like, really really really want to die. I know I'm probably never going to go through with it. At least, not yet. But I want to die. I feel like nobody cares about me, even when they say they do, and I'm always just going through the same cycles, never really doing anything different. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well then I'm definitly insane. I always do the same shit, expecting a different outcome, when I know exactly whats going to happen next. im going to wake up and do it all again, over and over, until it becomes so dull, i have to change. but when i don change, im not going to change for myself. im going to change for others. ya know, i never really thought of myself as a people pleaser, cause i made a lot of people hate me, but after doing some thinking and talking, i realized that I am a people pleaser. i do whatever they want, without taking into concideration the things i want. it's shitty man, just trying to survive. i hate it everyday. it just gets worse and worse. i feel like i have to be perfect, even though i know it isnt real. i feel like if i dont do things for other people, im just gonna break. and if i break, im scared i wont be able to pull myself back together. ive been holding on to the peices too long, and now they finally are about to rip apart, taking parts of me with them. im scared to tell people how i really feel, but im even more scared to be left alone. i feel like nothing i do will ever matter, no matter how hard i try, how hard i push myself, ill never be able to reach the impossible goal ive set for myself beacue of other people. im just tired of triing to survive. i want to tell my crush i like her, but im scared that if i do, it will ruin our friend ship. im scared that im gonna destroy the only good things in my life, until even they leave me. i don't want to be alone. im tired of being alone. im tired of trying and never getting anywhere, and just fucking failing at everything. i want control and i want to be normal, but i dont even know what normal is anymore. i just want it all to end