PSPA

14

"If you want, we can talk until we understand that not a word is needed." Mox & Canova

BENEDETTA'S POV:

I hold my breath, feeling like I'm dying inside; he said he wants me. He really said it, I'm not dreaming.

I didn't expect him to be so direct and decisive; my heart is beating a mile a minute.

"I..." I whisper, trying to say something, anything, but I focus on the most insignificant part of the sentence, "I'm not stupid..."

He shakes his head, almost amused at my futile attempt, and as he releases my cheeks, he murmurs, "Sometimes it seems like you are."

I lower my eyes and swallow... I'm at the mercy of so many emotions that I just want to curl up into myself and hide; I don't think I'm up to this. "I don't want to reject you," I reveal, licking my lips.

"Then why do you?" he asks, raising my chin with his index finger.

I shake my head and say sadly, "You know why... you know it's really complicated for me."

"Don't think it's not complicated for me too; I'm risking as much as you here. You're not the only one messing everything up; I just want to live through it, unlike you. I don't want to give up on all of this, and I know you don't either... we've experienced things together, I'm not crazy."

I nod and murmur, "How do we live through it? Do you have any idea what could happen just if..."

He puts a finger on my lips and says firmly, "You just have to ask yourself if I'm worth it, because the biggest risk in life is to risk nothing."

I put my hands to my face and sigh softly... God, I'm so confused, so damn confused! "I don't know... I don't know," I mumble to myself.

I wait for him to say or do something, but he remains silent and starts pacing the bathroom, frustrated.

He doesn't know what else to say to convince me, and I feel so sorry for him.

I remove my hands from my face and place them on the sink... I lean forward and look at myself in the mirror; my eyes are strange, it's like they want to tell me something.

What do you have to do, Beni? What should you listen to? My gaze falls on Bilel behind me, looking down at the ground with his jaw clenched. He's drop-dead gorgeous.

Could I ever forget his hands on me, his teeth grazing my neck, his lips brushing mine, our tongues fighting against time, his voice, his warm breath... could I ever sleep, close my eyes, and think of anything other than him?

Could I really move on and forget about him? Not find out how things could have gone? How we would have loved each other? How we would have fought? Do I really want to give up all of that? Side with my mind and shut down my heart?

"That's enough," he starts, reaching for the door.

I startle, following him with my gaze.

"I'll make a decision for both of us... I'm leaving. I'd just ask you to pretend that nothing happened between us. It's already difficult for me, and I'll try to maintain a professional relationship in class. I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable and..."

And as he speaks, as he decides to definitively leave my life, I understand, I understand everything... I understand that it's what I really want, to lose myself in him and take all the consequences, that life's challenges help you discover who you are and don't wait, that I don't want to look back and regret not having lived it, that I care too and I'm ready to take the risk... I want him and I want him with all of me.