🍞 Our bread smile 🍞 ✨️🍞 KIMCHAY AU✨️🍞

4. The kiss

Porchay wiped his tears pretty fast. He realised that he couldn’t control himself when he needed to do it, absolutely when cameras were pointed at him. He was sure that he wasn’t seen on screen but Ten saw it and grabbed his thigh a little too tight to bring him back into reality, not to help him, not to comfort him. When the boy turned his head to him, his boyfriend got a judgmental look, he was definitely not pleased by Porchay crying out on the first morning.

“What do you have?” He whispered to him with a fake smile, he knew this one well and on each camera it would look as if he was gently talking secretly to his man, even then whispering sweet words.

Porchay didn’t know what to answer. There would be multiple reasons. He might regret to have accepted to do this now that he was suffering on the spot, he might have realised how much Ten used him for this and how much he only agreed because he didn’t feel like being alone, he didn’t want to be alone in that world and even if Ten wasn’t the one loving him the most, he was here. He was also scary, not violent not at all, but one look and Porchay knew that he did wrong or that he was the main problem in their relationship. He wasn’t violent, he just had power on him, something which could be considered as a slapping menace but which would never be done physically, hiding behind words, the venom was spreading through Porchay and he didn’t know how to react to it.

To be honest, he had thought about breaking up with Ten, a lot of time, and then too much happened at the same time, and then he asked about this, and then Porchay was mentally not feeling at home anywhere than in Porsche’s arms and then he had no voice to call him and then he got advised that doing that show wouldn’t be bad by someone he was working with, someone not knowing the details, not knowing how much Ten was pushing him to do it, and then he said “yes”. There was no way back, he didn’t tell anyone because he knew that they would have to find the words to stop him, he had no strength to fight. Porchay was exhausted, his energy had been eaten by that vampire, always making him feel bad for just existing and he was still doing the same.

Objectively Ten wasn’t a bad person, he wasn’t a villain, he wasn’t the worst human on earth, he just knew consciously or not, how to use his personality over people who wouldn’t have the same power, other people who didn’t know how strong they were before being pushed to show it.

He wasn’t bad but he was still acting badly towards Porchay, it was a fact: talking loudly to suppress his voice back, being aggressive to make his boyfriend feel that he was indeed the one doing wrong, and not doing it to everyone, because everyone would talk back and stand for themselves, but Porchay would stay silent, not because he wanted, he wasn’t even aware of this behaviour. He wasn’t in the light, he was just inside and trying to not be devoured, to not anger him, trying to just live and not feeling guilty for this.

What should he cry for? This might not even have been known by his brain even if the grab of his thigh had given him shivers, really bad shivers. He should cry about his parent’s death for sure, but it wasn’t  that day, or he should cry about being here, or being here with Kim.

He didn’t even see him and he already had his eyes wet. Porchay didn’t know how to react when he would appear and smile while cooking. He had missed him  a lot.  Kim was right to go away and he had always encouraged him in this. He felt a guilt, a real guilt that while he was doing so bad he couldn’t reach Kim. It was hard to reach to Porsche and they were living under the same roof, so Kim was way too far for his mental health. He never forgot him, he kept all of his gifts, he was cherishing what they had been.

But the taste in his mouth, the feeling of being home he had felt while eating just punched him violently. It brought back from their ground the emotions blooming into the flowers he had known before, the one Kim watered without even knowing that he was doing so, he was like the best gardener his heart ever met, and he disappeared letting the natural comfort of life vanish. He was suddenly here, Porchay didn’t even think that Kim would remember him. He was from the past but they were now in the present and it changed everything.