My Missing Piece

Machiala

Machiala:
     Watching from afar is good. Safe. Every time he walks into the room it's as if the sun walked right in with him and once you look his way, you can't help but be burnt by his rays. I've liked him for almost two years now, I'm not even sure if it's a crush anymore. It must be love, unrequited love. I would say it was love at first sight, but that wasn't the case. I actually hated him when we first met, when I found out that he became my  neighbor. But now I realize that maybe I never hated him, maybe that was me denying the fact that I might have loved him.
     I'm walking to my first period class, when I see him joking around with his friends. His smile is so wide, his smile lines forming, his dimples setting themselves perfectly on his cheeks. I feel like I've been blessed, to see this sight right before I lose all my braincells in math. I look away after completely indulging and taking in the sight. I resume walking and get in the class. Before, I am able to set my bag down, sit down, and sleep in the class the teacher calls for me. Great.
     "Machiala, a word with you please?"
      Great, I'm fucked, "Yes, what's up? Ms, Andrea."
     She lifts her glasses from her face and looks at me with intensity, unfortunately, the only thing I can pay attention to is her mole; she should get that removed, it's almost taking up all the space on her face.
     "I wanted to speak with you about your current grade in my math class." She inhales, "It seems as though you are struggling quite a bit. Your grades have exponentially dropped since the first semester. And I am worried this has something to do with what's happening in your life right now. Is everything okay at home?"
      Wow, this woman called me all the way to the front of my class to state the obvious. I know my grades are bad right now, worse than they were in the first semester, but this has absolutely nothing to do with my personal life, and before she goes around worrying about me, she should be worrying a bout that mole on her face. She actually needs to get that checked.
      "Um yeah, Ms.Andrea, you don't have to worry about the things at home, things are just fine. I just don't get some of the stuff that you have been teaching nowadays." I say.
      With this she beams at me, "Well that is no worry at all, I had a feeling that would hopefully the case. Well in that case, I was thinking that Ayden can help you with the basic fundamental information that I have been teaching in class. He is one of the smartest in this class, he is very social and could help you with your math."
       Immediately those words reach my ears, I am panicking, a panic so strong I think I might die. "That's not really necessary."
       Ms. Andrea puts a hand on my shoulder and says, "Oh nonsense, Ayden would not mind helping, in fact let me call him over."
        Shit. Fuck. I am actually thinking of running away while Ms. Andrea calls over Ayden. Once Ayden's name is yelled out, everyone turned toward where Ms. Andrea and I are standing. Ayden casually walks over, wiping a hand through this hair. And all I can think is damn he's hot. My train of thought is rudely interrupted with Ms. Andrea asking Ayden if he could help me with math.
       At this point I don't even believe that it is worth it living in this world anymore. I can't hear anymore, my hands are clammy, my head is pulsing, my heart rate is spiking to the point I can hear it now, my ears are ringing, and that's when I realize that I'm having one of those attacks now. The ones that started when mom died.
      Shit. I have to leave; I mumble a quick excuse me to Ms. Andrea, and sprint out of the classroom. I run to the bathroom and lock myself in the stall. And all I can think about is all the eyes that were on me, watching me like I did something wrong by existing. Social anxiety isn't fun, especially when people are looking at you, thinking things about you that they would rather whisper than say to your face. Especially when the person you like, love or whatever the hell I feel for that man, is right there infront of you.