He's My Patient

Her Trauma

TW THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SEXUAL ABUSE, PEDOPHILIA AND RAPE SKIP IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!!! ⚠️
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I thought that helping other people with processing their trauma would help me with mine... but I've been proven wrong.

James knew... he knew about the abuse... the rape. I don't know how he knows but what happened in that room triggered me, and I don't know what to think.

I sat in the shower as the water poured over me.. soaking my hair and dripping from my face, as the flashes came back.

Laying in that old twin bed... as a child.... As he touched me... pulling my hair... kissing my neck... forcing himself inside and out of me. Over. And over. And over. And over. And over. It felt like an eternity of pain, that was ripping my soul out of me and I was powerless to stop it. His scent... his voice... his grunts. As he was taking the innocence of a ten year old over and over and over again... and he laughed, laughing about it...

The tears melted away, blending with the droplets of my skin... I grabbed the washcloth folded neatly on the ledge... covered it in soap and started scrubbing... my arms... my legs... my chest.. shoulders... I scrubbed until I rubbed my skin raw... but the memories kept flooding in.

My old apartment... his hands wrapped around my waist... I told him I wasn't comfortable... "Oh come on baby I know you want this." I couldn't speak... but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth, he pushed me against the wall... pulling my dress up and unbuttoning his pants. I put my hands firmly against his chest and tried to push him away, I wasn't strong enough.... He pulled my leg up... I started to cry... he ripped my underwear off leaving a clothing rash on my pelvis.. and he forced himself inside of me... it felt like when I was ten.. I could feel something coming out of me dripping down my leg, blood. He pulled out... and then pushed back inside of me, I screamed begging for someone to hear me. Save me. I kept smashing my hands against his chest trying to get him to stop... he grabbed them and held them above my head with one arm and with the other he held my throat. Squeezing it so tight I could barely breathe... and before I knew it I was unconscious... I woke up and I was on the floor.. and he was gone. There's blood on my floor... I slowly picked myself up and walked into the bathroom... I turned on the lights... there's a bruise wrapped around my neck.. my mascara was bleeding down my cheeks.

I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. And then I stopped. And all I could do was cry.

I was wrong... I can't be over this... I can't be over them... I can't be touched. Ever.

It was 7:15am and I was walking up the stone staircase up to the front of the hospital, today will be better.. I hope... I think... I pushed the great wooden doors open and started my way to James room. This time I'll be prepared, I won't panic at one mention of my past. It was 7:20am and I'm just now getting to James floor, now for the long walk all the way down to end of the building.. far away from the rest of the patients.

I walked pass many nurses each of them giving me a worried look as I passed by... which I didn't let bother me, it's not worth being bothered by something I can't change. I stood outside his door... it was 7:29am,

"Aren't you going in?" I turned and faced the guard standing outside the door.

"He was told I was gonna be back at 7:30am... he has OCD and yes I am going in." I tapped my watch and he tapped his badge and opened the door.

I walked in exactly at 7:30 am, the door shut behind me and I stood looking around the room. And in the opposite corner of the room turned facing the corner stood James,

"James.. is that you?" He turned around with his arms crossed, with a stern emotionless face.

"No, darling it's Bernard." I smiled and took a seat in the chair that was now moved back next to the door, crossing my legs gently and adjusting my trousers so that they weren't wrinkled. He raised one eyebrow at my behavior,