Dear Diary : The Untold Words

2

It was 19 yesterday, I knew he would text me asking if it was my birthday today. He can't even remember a date yet he's still my best friend.

last year was a disaster, my emotions were all over the place I don't know why it all happened. generally speaking, I did not receive a single text message wishing me happy birthday from my close friends. I cried that night too much and it was like on my every birthday it became a ritual to cry.

I texted them all complaining why they didn't wished me on my birthday, and they forgot, I was sad to hear this excuse but it wasn't an excuse they genuinely forgot my birthday. She did too maybe because of her health and I was pissed at her because I was unaware of her health problem. It all started on 31st December 2022 when we were waiting for the clock to hit 12.

She was so glad that we met in 2022 but it was the last time I saw her and heard her voice. I told her that I do not want anyone to have friends like mine just because I'm not good at expressing myself and they do not care enough to force me and that is the same reason why most of the time I'm angry at them or just judging them. I was doing the same to them yet I criticised them for doing it. Stupid I am stupid all I did was complain to her and not ask how she was doing because she told me she'd been having health issues for months. After months I texted her asking why she did not wish me not knowing her condition, her brother said it was not that serious she was even discharged from the hospital but suddenly at night after having dinner she started to behave weird like questioning who she was and who are they (her family) she was so detached from reality and herself; that were her last words.

Her disease finally attacked her brain, left her disoriented from herself. Even her brother didn't get last chance to see her or to speak with her. He promised her she will be fine and will be there with him but his hands were also tied with his finals but at last he left his remaining 3 exam for her funeral and last rituals.

Nothing would had prepared us for this news, it was shocking and equally unbelievable for us.

It's already been a year without her and my brain just cannot cope with this fact that she isn't present with us.[ Like what do you mean she is no more?? Let me call her and show you that she's in her room just resting and scrolling her phone. But can i still call her will she answer her phone not her brother or dad? I can't do that. Its devastating, it feels like hallow inside my chest or like heart literally being drop to my bottom.

She's hunting in my dream (not really, she's just telling me to move on or just stay with me until i realise I'm talking to no one and making me realise that I'm surrounded by living peoples that are our friends; like i don't really need her).
I don't know how many times I'm gonna woke up with tears in my eyes in early morning. Unsaid words choked inside my throat and making it hard to breathe.