Healing Death

I was talking with my mother the other day

We don't often bring up my hometown

Because there's a lot of pain attached to it for me

I wasn't loved well there

_____

No matter how I think about it

Wondering if I was completely socially unaware

Or if I made people uncomfortable

Or if I hurt people's feelings

_____

I can't reconcile to myself the way I was treated

Even by adults meant to support kids

I just want to ask everyone what I did

What was so wrong about me

_____

That loving me was asking for too much

That being a friend

One that didn't lie about me to gain sympathy

Or lie to me and make me a fool

_____

Because I didn't speak their language

Because they knew the rules of the game

Because I couldn't catch up

They let me trail behind them

_____

Through life

Through pain

Through trying so hard

Through misunderstandings that were never clarified

_____

But I realize that asking for truth

From people who could never give it

From a community steeped in ignorance

Would invite disappointment

_____

How does one close

a gaping chest wound

How do I swallow

18 years of grief

_____

Maybe I don't

Maybe healing a dead chapter

Is more like planting a new one

More like accepting a stronger me

_____

Because I did survive their locked minds

And pigeon holed hearts

Because I've risen from the ashes

Of a self I burned beyond recognition

_____

I won't forgive people

who didn't try to know me

I can forgive myself

for not knowing me yet

_____

In the wound that won't heal

Packed with earthen compassion

Balanced by ethereal strength

Understanding grows

_____

And from a pain no one should have to survive and so many do

Erupts

The soul that was forsaken for the majority and by the majority

A spirit freed from constructs

_

A lighthouse and guide