ECHOES OF YOU.

A psychotic reaction.

Friday the 11th, 2022, March 11:30am

"How does that make you feel? Mrs. Rapando, my therapist, asked.
"Betrayed and hurt...,"I sighed. That was the last thing I thought he would do," I said sadly.
" In our last session, you told me that he didn't show any signs of a mentally unstable person, right?" Mrs Rapando asked.
" He had been mentally unstable all his life I just found out recently after the incident, Kane was a very cunning man he had been taking his medication early in the morning before I woke up and late at night when I had already gone to bed. He was very much okay and healthy until...," I said, sobbing.
Mrs. Rapando handed me a paper towel and a glass of water.
"I'm sorry," I said, wiping down my tears.
"It's okay Da'ana let it all out. I totally understand," she said so warmly.
" I have lived a lie for the last two years of my marriage, and I can't, you know, blame it on anyone but myself for settling and being so naive...," I said regrettably.
" I would have died with him that day... who would have my children been left with? The streets... I am so embarrassed about the choices I have made in life. My children didn't deserve a father like Kane. I failed to give my children a dad what kind of a mother am I, Mrs. Rapando?"
"A loving, caring, and nurturing mother Da'ana you are a hero in your children's life. Isn't it because of them you opted for therapy?"
I nodded as I sipped the glass of water. I had opted for therapy because I didn't want to traumatise my children, and being a present parent for them involved me getting help. I never wanted to be the type of mother that let's their children get thrown off by life. I knew I wanted to be a better mother than my mother was ever to me. I might have let them down in a lot of ways, but I hope my babies know I'd risk it all for them. For life didn't have a meaning before they came into it. Kane might not be the best father or dad, but in my children's eyes, he was the best they ever had despite our own differences.

"I hope they think of that about me. Linda turned  10, and I didn't get the opportunity to celebrate her birthday with her. Instead, I was laying in the hospital bed lifeless because of that fucking egocentric monster Should I end my life and that of my children Mrs. Rapando?"
"

Da'ana dear, don't beat yourself up so hard you are a human going through a human experience. I know it's hard right now, and healing isn't linear, but at the end of every day you get to live, you have alot of beautiful things to look back at and be proud of, and your innocent babies deserve to live up to the life they desire for themselves Da'ana. Today might feel impossible for you, but tomorrow might be yours and your children's cup of tea. Life isn't always in black and white. It's grey, too, and this might be your grey Da'ana. Kane is gone, and he doesn't get the power to define who Da'ana is. Do you know who Da'ana is?" Mrs. Rapando queried.
" I...mmm... Da'ana is a widow, a mother of two, and a business lady. That's all me. I stated.
" Anything else?" Mrs Rapando asked curiously.
" Non that I can think of unless the misery that has been tied to me." I said unenthusiastically.
" That's just a token of who you truly are, Da'ana. Your identity as a person is built up of many other factors like; values, beliefs, attitude, and behaviour. Besides you being a mother of two, a widow and a business lady who is Da'ana?"
" For the longest time, that has been my identity, Mrs.rapando. I am just an empty vessel that is casually existing on earth. I got married, young I was 19, Kane was 31 he...mmmh.... taught me a lot of things, and being who I am today was one of them, I live under his shadow even after he is 6 feet under, " I said sadly.
" How does that make you feel, Da'ana?" She asked concernerdly.
" Caged and limited," I stated
As Mrs. Rapando was advising me on how to reprogram my whole existence and identity. My mind started drifting away to the what ifs, and it felt like it was just me and my lover kane in a happily ever after fairy tale.
" You look so beautiful pregnant, darling. Who would have thought." He said with a chuckle.
" Right? Oops, he is a little bit feisty today," I said, rubbing my belly.
" Did he just kick? HEY, little man, don't kill my woman for me. I will whoop your ass down," kane said jokingly as he caressed my belly.
" I love this and us," I said as,
Kane leaned in for a kiss, and I just let loose as I melted into his arms. Nothing can ever beat a man's touch, precisely the touch of a man you are in love with. It's warm, safe, and comforting. I'd live in his arms forever if it were possible for his arms wash away all of the worries and doubts, in my mind, and  shuts down into a cooling and soothing state that he can only ignite with his touch. That explains this pregnancy, too.
" It's me and you against all odds, my dear," kane said with utmost honesty in his eyes.
" Da'ana! Da'ana! Da'ana! hey Da'ana, are you okay? Mrs Rapando asked concernerdly as my mind drifted back into reality. Maladaptive daydreaming had been my coping mechanism lately. That's how I'd escape reality and just numb the pain with lucid dreams. At this point, it is what it is am at the dead end of it all.
" You seemed to be so deep in thought, and you were kind of amused by this thought you had. Do you experience maladaptive daydreaming, or have you ever experienced it?" Mrs Rapando asked curiously.
" That has been one of my coping mechanisms. I'd rather numb than feel, and feeling wrecks the hell out of me. Why would I put myself in that situation, doc?"
" That might feel like the most safest and easiest way of coping with all of your problems right now, feeling and letting your guard down, might also feel impossible at the moment but there are other healthy ways we can channel all those problems too. When you get out of touch with reality, who will take care of your babies? Da'ana, the first step to healing and letting go is acknowledgement of whatever has transpired." Mrs Rapando said as she handed me a notebook.
" This is what we are going to do. You will be doing daily entries of how you feel this is going to be your rage entry journal. I also want you to be in touch with reality every time you catch your mind, drifting away, take a few deep breaths, and medidate for 15 minutes.
Then go for a walk, come back home and write whatever thought that you have at the moment. That way, you will be able to analyse the things that trigger you the most. And we will work on them together."
I took the notebook as I gently smiled at her.
"See you tomorrow, doc. I hope this will work out for me."
She gave me the most comforting hug and smile I had seen since kane died. I just can't help myself. I still do love him in as much as I hate him for all the chaos he caused in my life. This heart of mine still beats for a dead man. How shameful can it get? My own heart keeps on betraying me time and time again, I am no good than Kane.

I got in the car and turned on the radio it was drizzling outside, and I didn't want to drive home immediately so I turned the volume a little bit up as I sang along to want to want me by Jason Derulo. How can one song take your thoughts back into the archives? This jam had Kane and I on a chokehold when it first came out. We would play it every day in the house and jam to it in the car. Life was so beautiful back then easy and clear. There were no in between with us. I turned off the radio and watched as it started raining and the windscreen turned foggy. I couldn't help but drift in a state of loneliness and the desire of wanting his touch one more time to soothe away the pain washed over me. Kane had me wrapped up in the palm of his fingers. My first love he was. How am I supposed to get over all these alone without my love. Does it even matter that he is gone or that I am in his car from therapy wanting just but a touch of his fingers through my spine? Or I am losing my mind, and this is a psychotic reaction?

" Leave me alone," I screamed
" I gave you everything, kane. What else do you want? My soul?" I said crying.
I turned on the engine and accelerated towards the building across from my therapist office. I figured out having pieces of him with me held me captive from moving on, so why would I keep his car? I crashed into the building and what a lucky mother fucker I am no injuries no nothing. Honestly, in that moment, crashing his car wasn't the only motive behind that move. I wanted to unalive myself, maybe I'd be lucky this time. I just want his touch and his soothing words to tell me I am okay. Maybe he is waiting for me too, and he is longing for my touch as much. Who is to blame in this situation? It's definitely not me. I am just a woman in love with her dead husband.

It has been five hours since I crashed. I had already gained my consciousness back, and I was just waiting for my family so that they could discharge me. I knew no one would actually show up because my mom had already disowned me after I got married, and my big brother Sam died last year while in deployment. Kanes' parents didn't want anything to do with me after his death they blamed it on me for not taking care of him at his most vulnerable. Every one fucking switched up on me I was left with no one just my children and I. I'm a bit hopeful Reina might come pick me up I had her as my emergency contact. Reina is kanes' best friends wife, through out the years, we became close because of our husband's friendship. I was her children's godmother and her best friend. After Kanes' death, she decided to pick sides, and l understand she had to protect her marriage by supporting Michael's decisions, but that didn't change the fact that I felt betrayed by her when I needed some support in my life. I wasn't sure if she would actually show up or if she would send someone to come pick me up. Mother Mary might have acesended at the right side of her bed today. Reina showed up, I was happy to see her after months of being apart. She signed the discharge papers and drove me home. The ride home wasn't what I was anticipating it to be. She drove without even uttering a single word to me. That was the most boring and longest thirty minutes drive of my life. I didn't utter a single word to her too because I had a fucking accident and all she cared about was her marriage how selfish of her! Why did she act like she was a victim here?