I LIVE THIS, I BREATHE THIS, YOU CRAVE IT

CHAPTER 7: Aftermath

I watched as Rhea paced around our living room while I sat on the couch. After my panic attack, it took a lot of convincing to get me to let go of her so that she could get me off the floor and onto a more comfortable surface. I was mortified after the whole ordeal, hating the way my mind and body had reacted to this situation. Every couple of seconds, I looked over to the spot on the floor where the photos of Rhea sat close to the front door. I could barely make out the photos themselves from this far, but they will be burned in my brain forever.

If I can't have you, no one can.

I thought about the note. It was the same thing that Michael had said to me when he found me at the gym. He was directly targeting Rhea now and I was helpless to stop him. I thought our house would be a safe space for us. Away from my past and away from him.

I could feel my thoughts begin to rage once more and decided enough was enough. I got off the couch and headed for the stairs as I felt Rhea's eyes on me. I couldn't look at her right now, not after embarrassing myself the way that I did a few minutes prior. She always had to pick up the pieces when it came to me, it wasn't fair to her. I arrived at our bathroom in the hallway and locked it after I went inside. As I opened the cabinet, the prescription bottle stared back at me. I thought about it for a moment, thinking that maybe this wasn't the best idea, but the opposing side won out. I opened the bottle and took two of the round white pills. I needed that numbness right now and this was the only thing that I could think of to conjure it.

I made sure to put the pill bottle back into the cabinet the exact way that I had found it and I flushed the toilet on my way out to make it seem like I just went to the bathroom. I still had the blanket draped around my shoulders that Rhea had wrapped me in once she got me to the couch. I was still shivering, though our house was far from cold. As I made my way back to the couch, Rhea was eyeballing me.

"Don't look at me like that," I sighed as I sat down. I rested my elbows on my knees and held my head in my hands, willing my thoughts and emotions to just turn off. Oh, how easy this would all be if I could just will my humanity away.

I closed my eyes as I thought about when Michael had found me outside the old coffee shop that I used to frequent. The thought of his hands on me, touching me. I thought about the details that I kept from Rhea. Although he did choke me unconscious like I had told her, he did much more than that. He had forced me against the wall and I could still remember the damp brick against my cheek. What came next was more or less a blur, but I remembered the basic concept. My brain had blocked out most of the ordeal, but the aftermath was clear as day. When I woke up on the concrete, my yoga pants were pulled up haphazardly around my lower waist. At least he spared me the humiliation of being half-naked. I remembered that when I tried to move, the ache in my legs and groin was horrible. It made me forget about the bruising pain around my neck and the scrapes on my cheek. It was unlike anything I'd ever felt, physically and mentally. What he said when he began assaulting me will forever be branded on my brain: If I can't have you, no one can. That one phrase was enough to bring me to my knees.

"Emma." Rhea's voice was soft as she squatted in front of me. She pried my hands away from my face and only then did I realize that tears were streaming freely down my face once more. My eyes felt unfocused and unseeing. I knew Rhea was in front of me, but it was almost like her facial features were blurred together. Maybe it was the pills, maybe it was my psyche reacting to the situation. I just thought it safe to assume that it was a combination of the two.

I squeezed her hands in mine as an acknowledgment of her voice and tried to make my eyes focus on her so she would become less suspicious of my current state.

"There's something you're not telling me." I could tell she was staring deep into my eyes for an answer but I simply couldn't give it to her right now.

"Rhea... I can't," I said simply. I couldn't form many words right now but I sat silently hoping that she would understand. I felt her let go of my hands and I immediately felt the need to lay down as the drugs took effect. I tugged the blanket tighter around me as I leaned on the arm of the couch slightly. I was only lying down for a couple of seconds before I felt myself being lifted and repositioned with my head resting on Rhea's lap. She tugged another blanket from behind the couch to drape over me to cover the areas that the small throw blanket around my shoulders didn't. A small smile crept over my face.